[Fic] Company Time - 6/10
Dec. 2nd, 2010 04:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coley_merrinTitle: Company Time
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi (either/or)
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU
Summary: Kyuhyun's new coworker brings new challenges to his stuffy cubicle life. And the only problem bigger than realizing that Zhou Mi is living denial, is actually starting to believe him.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven
***
Thanks and 1,234,543,391,372,764,103 cookies go to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wobaozhewo for being way more patient with me than any human being has a right to be on the 1,234,543,391,372,764,103 (to the power of a billion) rewrites this underwent. *brain explodes*
***
Kyuhyun wouldn’t have called it an epiphany. Even if it kind of was. Staring at the phone he was talking at when Ryeowook asked him if he was dating Zhou Mi. He’d said no, of course. And said they didn’t do anything date-like, even. But after he’d hung the damn shirt in his closet and stared at it for a couple of days, he’d finally reached the conclusion that their outings could’ve been considered that. A dinner date with after-date shopping. Hell, for all he knew, Zhou Mi might’ve considered the shopping a date, too. But realizing that, the second thought had followed after. He’d gotten to work ahead of Zhou Mi, which happened from time to time, and sort of caught outside of Zhou Mi’s cubicle.
He’d been in it enough times to know what it looked like. The picture of Zhou Mi’s parents, grandparents and extended family, with a gangly Zhou Mi in it. The fancy pen holder, from some place he never remembered. Nothing of Kyuhyun’s in that space. Nothing to say, oh, Kyuhyun is with me. And he didn’t expect it, because they were at work. But his next realization was that he didn’t know why Zhou Mi would have those things at home. Friends? Sure. The guy who groped him, and fell asleep with him, and forced him to buy shirts. And maybe taking Kyuhyun out had been a test, to see if the gay, or opinionated friends thought his choice was decent? He didn’t know if there was some kind of compass that could point between you may be wasting your time and you’ve totally been a moron, remove yourself from interacting with humanity.
He’d been having a good time, and his body was being pleased. So maybe he’d felt like that was enough for a while. But it wasn’t like he knew what he wanted to do about it. He imposed sanity days, for his own peace of mind, where he did nothing but eat lunch with Zhou Mi at work. It was funny, because he’d thought he’d been pushing Zhou Mi into something at one point, only to find himself in some kind of relationship-but-not that he didn’t even get. And since it was work, they couldn’t really bring up anything serious or try to screw each other’s brains out.
“My apartment is pretty nice,” Zhou Mi mused, doing the best non-leisurely picking at his food that Kyuhyun had ever seen. “But it’s hard when they spring things on me. I couldn’t even eat this morning because I had to clear space for workers to do surprise maintenance.”
“Ah, yeah. Management of my building is like that, too. So if I don’t have the space open, then I must not want anything fixed. Even if I don’t know it’s broken. And when it is broken? Then I can’t get help.”
“They said they left notices, but I think my neighbors are stealing them for scratch paper or something. I had to apologize and make a mess going so fast! At least it was before I left for work.”
He tried not to laugh at the outrage in Zhou Mi’s voice, but he really couldn’t help himself. And Zhou Mi just swatted at him across the table, and kept relaying what other trials he’d had to go through.
When he thought about it, one of the good things about it was that they actually had lives outside of each other and work. Clearly he was trying to do his best to get in as much time on his computer as possible avoiding the subject. And it wasn’t just that day, but almost every day that heard all about what Zhou Mi was doing, over lunch. The books he read, the dramas he kept up with, meeting up with his friends. Kyuhyun didn’t watch the news so much as follow it online, and he did so more so he understood what Zhou Mi was talking at him about. A little world events over soup, or hearing about what music program Zhou Mi was looking forward to that night with his sandwich.
And though he was fumbling inside, the rhythm of them hanging out together was a hard one to break. He knew what he was getting himself into, inviting Zhou Mi up. They could’ve left it at dinner and drinks, but Zhou Mi had subtly hinted that his program was starting soon. And they both knew Kyuhyun’s apartment was closer to where they’d eaten. So easy to invite Zhou Mi up, making it in the apartment door just in time to see the program start, bellies full from what they’d picked up on the way.
It felt nice to collapse on the couch and grab his laptop. Zhou Mi just a few feet away, some warbling singers on some kind of showcase. Having someone to laugh at, laugh with? It was weird to think that Zhou Mi was showing Kyuhyun what he’d never been able to pinpoint about what he wanted. But it led to him knowing that he wasn’t getting it in the way he wanted. He took his eyes off Zhou Mi’s loosened tie. At least not all of it. But when he tried to imagine asking Zhou Mi to define their relationship, he almost laughed at himself. It wasn’t like he was made of wariness. But that wondering he kept shoving to the back of his head was a turnoff if he’d ever found one.
Listening to some guy croon on the screen, he felt Zhou Mi’s hand on his leg. And it wasn’t odd to him. Zhou Mi wanting to touch was a common occurrence.
“This guy is really good,” Zhou Mi said, and edged his shoulder against Kyuhyun’s, and half listening as Zhou Mi made some remark about the man’s voice.
“Mm,” he answered, not really looking up. Trying to keep his cool, some hold on himself. It wasn’t like he’d told Zhou Mi to keep his hands off, and he was trying not to be an idiot and lash out before he figured out what to do, really.
“You okay?” Zhou Mi asked. “You seem tired.”
Tired. He could have laughed. No, he wasn’t tired. He was imagining what Zhou Mi expected from him that night. It was so easy to imagine helping Zhou Mi to his feet, and knowing the next destination would be his bed. Or even what they’d started with, and just get on his knees. Forget all the problems, all the questions. Forget that it should’ve been easier to figure out what was between them. I want to have sex with you and I don’t even know who you are. And he couldn’t forget.
“No, I’m fine,” he said, and tried to hide the flinch as Zhou Mi kissed his cheek.
“Are you? Fine?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Yes. Stop asking me. I’m trying to concentrate.”
“Sorry. I like being here with you like this,” Zhou Mi said, fingers tracing back through his hair. He enjoyed sitting together? Or enjoyed what went with it. His brain took it the only way cynicism would let him. And he intended to reply, even tease. And the laugh that came out was too bitter.
“Yeah, since apparently we’re great at just screwing around.”
The moment of silence made him hiss through his teeth before Zhou Mi asked, “What?”
“Forget it.”
“No. I want to know what you mean,” Zhou Mi pressed.
He was so stupid. He’d become that guy, wanting more than he should’ve expected. And he’d told himself to start with not to. There’d been so many options to get himself out of it, and so many warnings. Maybe next time he’d touch a hot burner, just to see if hurt.
“You don’t have to try so hard,” he said finally. “I know you’re having fun playing pretend, but you—”
Zhou Mi recoiled, which wasn’t what he’d been expecting. But then, what had he really thought the reaction would be? He almost wanted to take it back, say it was all okay, and wipe that look off of Zhou Mi’s face. Staring at Kyuhyun like he had said the room was made of spiders.
“No, you’re wrong,” Zhou Mi blurted.
And Kyuhyun forgot to breathe.
***
Zhou Mi’s stomach turned and twisted as he heard the words coming out of his mouth. Kyuhyun was staring back at him as though he wasn’t sure what language he was speaking, all rumpled hair and tired eyes. Rumpled from his own hands. And if he could’ve shut his mouth right then, he would’ve, even if he realized he hadn’t been very clear. He could’ve been talking about leaving for all Kyuhyun knew.
“You’re wrong,” he repeated, his voice stronger than he intended. “I’m not pretending. There’s something I need to tell you.”
They’d been supposed to talk. In fact, he remembered telling Kyuhyun that explicitly. But hadn’t it been so much easier not to talk? His friends had met Kyuhyun. Everyone important to him outside of his family, knew he and Kyuhyun were together. But not Kyuhyun. Not Kyuhyun. And Kyuhyun’s face was so hard, trying so hard to be blank that he didn’t even know the man looking back at him.
“If you’re done with this, then don’t drag it on,” Kyuhyun said.
It was a testament to how far he had come, really, that it scared him more to think of leaving Kyuhyun behind, than it did in staying and laying himself bare. He didn’t even know how he ended up leaning forward, wrapping himself around Kyuhyun, pressing his face into Kyuhyun’s neck and inhaling deeply. The scent of him was like a balm, centering him.
“No, that’s not it. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this, and—”
He had to gulp in a breath, squeezing Kyuhyun tighter. But he couldn’t just sit there and hold him, as much as he wanted to. He rubbed Kyuhyun’s back briskly before letting go, tangling his fingers together and sitting still beside Kyuhyun on the couch.
The couch where they’d started the weird relationship they were in.
He stared at his hands as they sat facing each other, wondering where to start. And figured there was no place like the beginning.
“When I was seventeen, my mother found me in my room with one of my good friends. I had no idea she was coming home, and we were kissing. He was all but in my lap, though thankfully we still had our clothes on. If it had been any other time..?” He didn’t even like to think about it, and pressed on. “I think she nearly passed out. Called my father. Made the two of us sit in different rooms until he got there, and the lecture went for… Hours it seemed like. They sent him home with the threat that if they ever saw him again, they’d tell his parents about what they knew. And they had me talk to all these people. Trying to tell me that it had been his fault, and I shouldn’t be concerned, and that I needed a girlfriend and to pay attention to my studies.”
It was probably cowardly to do nothing but stare at his hands. But when he glanced up at Kyuhyun’s face he couldn’t stay there. Stoic, considering. Probably wondering what the hell he was going on about.
“So I got along okay. I almost always had a girlfriend, and I loved them. Some of them. I really did love them. They were amazing people. Any guy would’ve felt lucky. I was the best gentleman ever. I did have a… A physical relationship with a couple of them, but it never went far. I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. And every time I tried, I just pictured my mother in my doorway. And that should’ve made me want to more, but it didn’t. And I moved here, and met this great girl, and made friends, got a job. And two of my friends were dating each other, and so happy. And I couldn’t— I wanted so much. I fantasized about going to a bar and just going home with any guy there. And then I changed jobs, and I met—”
“Me,” Kyuhyun said. “And you didn’t think that was something I should know?”
“No,” Zhou Mi insisted, trying not to see how Kyuhyun had gotten a knee up to his chest, holding it, defensive. “But at first, it was like if I told you the truth, then maybe it wasn’t such a one time thing, or twice or three times.”
“But you told your friends.”
“Heechul. Sort of,” Zhou Mi said. “But only that I wanted you, not that I was gay. I needed someone to help push me.”
“So going to see your friends, you blowing me, I was supposed to magically get that from you?”
“I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi said softly. “This is the real me. Maybe the guy before was trying too hard, and wasn’t sure, but I am. I wanted you, even if I didn’t know how, or what, to tell you.”
“The truth,” Kyuhyun said, and Zhou Mi searched his face with eagerness. He wanted to hope. He had to. “If this is a game, if you’re halfway out the door, then I don’t want you. My life is screwy enough to have some guy swearing he wants me, and dumping me every five minutes.”
“I don’t want to do that to either of us,” Zhou Mi clarified. “I want you to trust me. Because I trust you, even if I screwed up showing it.”
“So you keep figuring it out, or what?”
Kyuhyun put his hand to his forehead, massaging as though that was going to help him understand or say what he meant, or something. It gave him a moment, seeing Kyuhyun’s sleepy eyes, kisses on his bed. Laughing so hard he could hardly be quiet, and knowing Kyuhyun wasn’t far away at work. They’d connected in all the ways that counted.
He bridged the gulf, taking Kyuhyun’s hand. And the warmth of that connection shivered through him. That Kyuhyun would let him, curling his fingers over Zhou Mi’s hand. He resisted the urged to kiss those fingers and looked up at Kyuhyun instead.
“Will you go out with me? Not just sex this time, but real so we both know it.”
And as he waited for Kyuhyun’s answer, he very nearly prayed inside. If only Kyuhyun wanted it as much as he did.
“That’s what makes sense for us to do,” Kyuhyun said. “But you’ve been fighting this for years. So you’re sure you’re into guys now, I get that. But is it that easy? You just come back to the closest gay man, and might as well?”
“Can I—”
There was acquiescence, albeit almost reluctant. But the kiss was soft, his hand tight on Kyuhyun’s.
“You weren’t the closest, Kui Xian. But you’re the one I want. Please believe me.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes closed for a moment, and he nearly made a sound of terror, before he watched the smile quirk over those lips.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun answering, a glint of devilry dancing in his eyes. “We can try. Besides, it’s not like I have anyone else waiting to go out with me.”
The laugh bubbled in him, and he urged Kyuhyun up with him. And the hug he got in return was so different than before, Kyuhyun standing against him. A better hug, than before. Because Kyuhyun was holding him, too. Accepting his sloppy kiss and pressing back his own. And it wasn’t hurried, or overtly sexual. Just him and the man he wanted to be with. The man he was learning to be with.
He felt ineffably lighter. Smiling, and kissing Kyuhyun again.
“I guess that calls for a drink,” Kyuhyun said. A celebration. Kyuhyun brought them both one. And it wasn’t exactly fireworks when their beer bottles clinked together, but it was close.
He smiled a bit wryly at the rim of his bottle, watching the liquid inside it. “I never thought I could have this,” he admitted softly.
“You probably could’ve picked someone who was a little bit better at this kind of stuff.”
“How many Kui Xians can there possibly be out there?”
Kyuhyun laughed, sinking into the couch cushions. “You’re hopeless. You know what you’re signing up for.”
“You’ll have to let me know if I can do better.”
Kyuhyun made a thoughtful sound, getting his laptop situated. “Sure. I have a list. We can start with a massage, and work our way down.”
He watched the smile sneak through the serious tone, and laughed, settling beside Kyuhyun, and watching him game from as close as was safe. Mostly because he didn’t like elbows poking him back. He kept his questions to a minimum, but got amused eyes when he couldn’t help himself. He could be patient, when even Kyuhyun’s body language had changed. A little more relaxed. A little more open. Cuddling his beer, and half paying attention to the television, and feeling the anxious hope inside.
“Let’s go do something tomorrow after work,” he suggested.
Those eyes were so considering on him, as though Kyuhyun weighed the idea with a great deal of thought before answering. “Okay.”
He had no idea if Kyuhyun thought better of him, or worse. But they’d taken a step. And he could show Kyuhyun that the trust in him, however fragile, wasn’t misplaced. The kiss he got from Kyuhyun when he had to leave was open, eager. Kyuhyun’s hands on his hips, holding him close as their mouths urged each other on. He caught one last kiss goodbye, kind of angled on Kyuhyun’s mouth in a way that got him a half mocking laugh.
“A few little workers have to rest,” Kyuhyun said, patting Zhou Mi’s chest with a smirk.
And his own laugh had been muffled on Kyuhyun’s shoulder.
He did make the train home without much trouble. There were too many things tangled up in him that he didn’t even know how to tell Kyuhyun. Why he was happy, the ways Kyuhyun made him happy. Things that’d make Kyuhyun roll his eyes. But he had to cover his mouth the whole way home, to keep from looking as though he was smiling at absolutely nothing. It wasn’t perfect. But it was a start.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi (either/or)
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU
Summary: Kyuhyun's new coworker brings new challenges to his stuffy cubicle life. And the only problem bigger than realizing that Zhou Mi is living denial, is actually starting to believe him.
***
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven
***
Thanks and 1,234,543,391,372,764,103 cookies go to
wobaozhewo for being way more patient with me than any human being has a right to be on the 1,234,543,391,372,764,103 (to the power of a billion) rewrites this underwent. *brain explodes****
Kyuhyun wouldn’t have called it an epiphany. Even if it kind of was. Staring at the phone he was talking at when Ryeowook asked him if he was dating Zhou Mi. He’d said no, of course. And said they didn’t do anything date-like, even. But after he’d hung the damn shirt in his closet and stared at it for a couple of days, he’d finally reached the conclusion that their outings could’ve been considered that. A dinner date with after-date shopping. Hell, for all he knew, Zhou Mi might’ve considered the shopping a date, too. But realizing that, the second thought had followed after. He’d gotten to work ahead of Zhou Mi, which happened from time to time, and sort of caught outside of Zhou Mi’s cubicle.
He’d been in it enough times to know what it looked like. The picture of Zhou Mi’s parents, grandparents and extended family, with a gangly Zhou Mi in it. The fancy pen holder, from some place he never remembered. Nothing of Kyuhyun’s in that space. Nothing to say, oh, Kyuhyun is with me. And he didn’t expect it, because they were at work. But his next realization was that he didn’t know why Zhou Mi would have those things at home. Friends? Sure. The guy who groped him, and fell asleep with him, and forced him to buy shirts. And maybe taking Kyuhyun out had been a test, to see if the gay, or opinionated friends thought his choice was decent? He didn’t know if there was some kind of compass that could point between you may be wasting your time and you’ve totally been a moron, remove yourself from interacting with humanity.
He’d been having a good time, and his body was being pleased. So maybe he’d felt like that was enough for a while. But it wasn’t like he knew what he wanted to do about it. He imposed sanity days, for his own peace of mind, where he did nothing but eat lunch with Zhou Mi at work. It was funny, because he’d thought he’d been pushing Zhou Mi into something at one point, only to find himself in some kind of relationship-but-not that he didn’t even get. And since it was work, they couldn’t really bring up anything serious or try to screw each other’s brains out.
“My apartment is pretty nice,” Zhou Mi mused, doing the best non-leisurely picking at his food that Kyuhyun had ever seen. “But it’s hard when they spring things on me. I couldn’t even eat this morning because I had to clear space for workers to do surprise maintenance.”
“Ah, yeah. Management of my building is like that, too. So if I don’t have the space open, then I must not want anything fixed. Even if I don’t know it’s broken. And when it is broken? Then I can’t get help.”
“They said they left notices, but I think my neighbors are stealing them for scratch paper or something. I had to apologize and make a mess going so fast! At least it was before I left for work.”
He tried not to laugh at the outrage in Zhou Mi’s voice, but he really couldn’t help himself. And Zhou Mi just swatted at him across the table, and kept relaying what other trials he’d had to go through.
When he thought about it, one of the good things about it was that they actually had lives outside of each other and work. Clearly he was trying to do his best to get in as much time on his computer as possible avoiding the subject. And it wasn’t just that day, but almost every day that heard all about what Zhou Mi was doing, over lunch. The books he read, the dramas he kept up with, meeting up with his friends. Kyuhyun didn’t watch the news so much as follow it online, and he did so more so he understood what Zhou Mi was talking at him about. A little world events over soup, or hearing about what music program Zhou Mi was looking forward to that night with his sandwich.
And though he was fumbling inside, the rhythm of them hanging out together was a hard one to break. He knew what he was getting himself into, inviting Zhou Mi up. They could’ve left it at dinner and drinks, but Zhou Mi had subtly hinted that his program was starting soon. And they both knew Kyuhyun’s apartment was closer to where they’d eaten. So easy to invite Zhou Mi up, making it in the apartment door just in time to see the program start, bellies full from what they’d picked up on the way.
It felt nice to collapse on the couch and grab his laptop. Zhou Mi just a few feet away, some warbling singers on some kind of showcase. Having someone to laugh at, laugh with? It was weird to think that Zhou Mi was showing Kyuhyun what he’d never been able to pinpoint about what he wanted. But it led to him knowing that he wasn’t getting it in the way he wanted. He took his eyes off Zhou Mi’s loosened tie. At least not all of it. But when he tried to imagine asking Zhou Mi to define their relationship, he almost laughed at himself. It wasn’t like he was made of wariness. But that wondering he kept shoving to the back of his head was a turnoff if he’d ever found one.
Listening to some guy croon on the screen, he felt Zhou Mi’s hand on his leg. And it wasn’t odd to him. Zhou Mi wanting to touch was a common occurrence.
“This guy is really good,” Zhou Mi said, and edged his shoulder against Kyuhyun’s, and half listening as Zhou Mi made some remark about the man’s voice.
“Mm,” he answered, not really looking up. Trying to keep his cool, some hold on himself. It wasn’t like he’d told Zhou Mi to keep his hands off, and he was trying not to be an idiot and lash out before he figured out what to do, really.
“You okay?” Zhou Mi asked. “You seem tired.”
Tired. He could have laughed. No, he wasn’t tired. He was imagining what Zhou Mi expected from him that night. It was so easy to imagine helping Zhou Mi to his feet, and knowing the next destination would be his bed. Or even what they’d started with, and just get on his knees. Forget all the problems, all the questions. Forget that it should’ve been easier to figure out what was between them. I want to have sex with you and I don’t even know who you are. And he couldn’t forget.
“No, I’m fine,” he said, and tried to hide the flinch as Zhou Mi kissed his cheek.
“Are you? Fine?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Yes. Stop asking me. I’m trying to concentrate.”
“Sorry. I like being here with you like this,” Zhou Mi said, fingers tracing back through his hair. He enjoyed sitting together? Or enjoyed what went with it. His brain took it the only way cynicism would let him. And he intended to reply, even tease. And the laugh that came out was too bitter.
“Yeah, since apparently we’re great at just screwing around.”
The moment of silence made him hiss through his teeth before Zhou Mi asked, “What?”
“Forget it.”
“No. I want to know what you mean,” Zhou Mi pressed.
He was so stupid. He’d become that guy, wanting more than he should’ve expected. And he’d told himself to start with not to. There’d been so many options to get himself out of it, and so many warnings. Maybe next time he’d touch a hot burner, just to see if hurt.
“You don’t have to try so hard,” he said finally. “I know you’re having fun playing pretend, but you—”
Zhou Mi recoiled, which wasn’t what he’d been expecting. But then, what had he really thought the reaction would be? He almost wanted to take it back, say it was all okay, and wipe that look off of Zhou Mi’s face. Staring at Kyuhyun like he had said the room was made of spiders.
“No, you’re wrong,” Zhou Mi blurted.
And Kyuhyun forgot to breathe.
***
Zhou Mi’s stomach turned and twisted as he heard the words coming out of his mouth. Kyuhyun was staring back at him as though he wasn’t sure what language he was speaking, all rumpled hair and tired eyes. Rumpled from his own hands. And if he could’ve shut his mouth right then, he would’ve, even if he realized he hadn’t been very clear. He could’ve been talking about leaving for all Kyuhyun knew.
“You’re wrong,” he repeated, his voice stronger than he intended. “I’m not pretending. There’s something I need to tell you.”
They’d been supposed to talk. In fact, he remembered telling Kyuhyun that explicitly. But hadn’t it been so much easier not to talk? His friends had met Kyuhyun. Everyone important to him outside of his family, knew he and Kyuhyun were together. But not Kyuhyun. Not Kyuhyun. And Kyuhyun’s face was so hard, trying so hard to be blank that he didn’t even know the man looking back at him.
“If you’re done with this, then don’t drag it on,” Kyuhyun said.
It was a testament to how far he had come, really, that it scared him more to think of leaving Kyuhyun behind, than it did in staying and laying himself bare. He didn’t even know how he ended up leaning forward, wrapping himself around Kyuhyun, pressing his face into Kyuhyun’s neck and inhaling deeply. The scent of him was like a balm, centering him.
“No, that’s not it. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this, and—”
He had to gulp in a breath, squeezing Kyuhyun tighter. But he couldn’t just sit there and hold him, as much as he wanted to. He rubbed Kyuhyun’s back briskly before letting go, tangling his fingers together and sitting still beside Kyuhyun on the couch.
The couch where they’d started the weird relationship they were in.
He stared at his hands as they sat facing each other, wondering where to start. And figured there was no place like the beginning.
“When I was seventeen, my mother found me in my room with one of my good friends. I had no idea she was coming home, and we were kissing. He was all but in my lap, though thankfully we still had our clothes on. If it had been any other time..?” He didn’t even like to think about it, and pressed on. “I think she nearly passed out. Called my father. Made the two of us sit in different rooms until he got there, and the lecture went for… Hours it seemed like. They sent him home with the threat that if they ever saw him again, they’d tell his parents about what they knew. And they had me talk to all these people. Trying to tell me that it had been his fault, and I shouldn’t be concerned, and that I needed a girlfriend and to pay attention to my studies.”
It was probably cowardly to do nothing but stare at his hands. But when he glanced up at Kyuhyun’s face he couldn’t stay there. Stoic, considering. Probably wondering what the hell he was going on about.
“So I got along okay. I almost always had a girlfriend, and I loved them. Some of them. I really did love them. They were amazing people. Any guy would’ve felt lucky. I was the best gentleman ever. I did have a… A physical relationship with a couple of them, but it never went far. I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. And every time I tried, I just pictured my mother in my doorway. And that should’ve made me want to more, but it didn’t. And I moved here, and met this great girl, and made friends, got a job. And two of my friends were dating each other, and so happy. And I couldn’t— I wanted so much. I fantasized about going to a bar and just going home with any guy there. And then I changed jobs, and I met—”
“Me,” Kyuhyun said. “And you didn’t think that was something I should know?”
“No,” Zhou Mi insisted, trying not to see how Kyuhyun had gotten a knee up to his chest, holding it, defensive. “But at first, it was like if I told you the truth, then maybe it wasn’t such a one time thing, or twice or three times.”
“But you told your friends.”
“Heechul. Sort of,” Zhou Mi said. “But only that I wanted you, not that I was gay. I needed someone to help push me.”
“So going to see your friends, you blowing me, I was supposed to magically get that from you?”
“I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi said softly. “This is the real me. Maybe the guy before was trying too hard, and wasn’t sure, but I am. I wanted you, even if I didn’t know how, or what, to tell you.”
“The truth,” Kyuhyun said, and Zhou Mi searched his face with eagerness. He wanted to hope. He had to. “If this is a game, if you’re halfway out the door, then I don’t want you. My life is screwy enough to have some guy swearing he wants me, and dumping me every five minutes.”
“I don’t want to do that to either of us,” Zhou Mi clarified. “I want you to trust me. Because I trust you, even if I screwed up showing it.”
“So you keep figuring it out, or what?”
Kyuhyun put his hand to his forehead, massaging as though that was going to help him understand or say what he meant, or something. It gave him a moment, seeing Kyuhyun’s sleepy eyes, kisses on his bed. Laughing so hard he could hardly be quiet, and knowing Kyuhyun wasn’t far away at work. They’d connected in all the ways that counted.
He bridged the gulf, taking Kyuhyun’s hand. And the warmth of that connection shivered through him. That Kyuhyun would let him, curling his fingers over Zhou Mi’s hand. He resisted the urged to kiss those fingers and looked up at Kyuhyun instead.
“Will you go out with me? Not just sex this time, but real so we both know it.”
And as he waited for Kyuhyun’s answer, he very nearly prayed inside. If only Kyuhyun wanted it as much as he did.
“That’s what makes sense for us to do,” Kyuhyun said. “But you’ve been fighting this for years. So you’re sure you’re into guys now, I get that. But is it that easy? You just come back to the closest gay man, and might as well?”
“Can I—”
There was acquiescence, albeit almost reluctant. But the kiss was soft, his hand tight on Kyuhyun’s.
“You weren’t the closest, Kui Xian. But you’re the one I want. Please believe me.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes closed for a moment, and he nearly made a sound of terror, before he watched the smile quirk over those lips.
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun answering, a glint of devilry dancing in his eyes. “We can try. Besides, it’s not like I have anyone else waiting to go out with me.”
The laugh bubbled in him, and he urged Kyuhyun up with him. And the hug he got in return was so different than before, Kyuhyun standing against him. A better hug, than before. Because Kyuhyun was holding him, too. Accepting his sloppy kiss and pressing back his own. And it wasn’t hurried, or overtly sexual. Just him and the man he wanted to be with. The man he was learning to be with.
He felt ineffably lighter. Smiling, and kissing Kyuhyun again.
“I guess that calls for a drink,” Kyuhyun said. A celebration. Kyuhyun brought them both one. And it wasn’t exactly fireworks when their beer bottles clinked together, but it was close.
He smiled a bit wryly at the rim of his bottle, watching the liquid inside it. “I never thought I could have this,” he admitted softly.
“You probably could’ve picked someone who was a little bit better at this kind of stuff.”
“How many Kui Xians can there possibly be out there?”
Kyuhyun laughed, sinking into the couch cushions. “You’re hopeless. You know what you’re signing up for.”
“You’ll have to let me know if I can do better.”
Kyuhyun made a thoughtful sound, getting his laptop situated. “Sure. I have a list. We can start with a massage, and work our way down.”
He watched the smile sneak through the serious tone, and laughed, settling beside Kyuhyun, and watching him game from as close as was safe. Mostly because he didn’t like elbows poking him back. He kept his questions to a minimum, but got amused eyes when he couldn’t help himself. He could be patient, when even Kyuhyun’s body language had changed. A little more relaxed. A little more open. Cuddling his beer, and half paying attention to the television, and feeling the anxious hope inside.
“Let’s go do something tomorrow after work,” he suggested.
Those eyes were so considering on him, as though Kyuhyun weighed the idea with a great deal of thought before answering. “Okay.”
He had no idea if Kyuhyun thought better of him, or worse. But they’d taken a step. And he could show Kyuhyun that the trust in him, however fragile, wasn’t misplaced. The kiss he got from Kyuhyun when he had to leave was open, eager. Kyuhyun’s hands on his hips, holding him close as their mouths urged each other on. He caught one last kiss goodbye, kind of angled on Kyuhyun’s mouth in a way that got him a half mocking laugh.
“A few little workers have to rest,” Kyuhyun said, patting Zhou Mi’s chest with a smirk.
And his own laugh had been muffled on Kyuhyun’s shoulder.
He did make the train home without much trouble. There were too many things tangled up in him that he didn’t even know how to tell Kyuhyun. Why he was happy, the ways Kyuhyun made him happy. Things that’d make Kyuhyun roll his eyes. But he had to cover his mouth the whole way home, to keep from looking as though he was smiling at absolutely nothing. It wasn’t perfect. But it was a start.
***
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no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:03 am (UTC)But then I can just see him grinning into his hand on the train~ (I actually imagine Kyuhyun back at his apartment smiling too, but only because no one can see, haha)
Also, this is the first I've commented on this fic, but I've loved it all so far :D
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:43 am (UTC)i'm relieved that Zhou Mi finally told Kyuhyun how he felt.
and i loved the way you wrote his back story. it was very realistic. but it was sad! i want to go smack his parents.
BUT i, of course enjoyed this chapter immensely.
i can't wait to read more!
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:13 am (UTC)I'm really interested to see how this rolls over :D More conflict, smooth sailing, or something ~exciting~
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:17 am (UTC)I can see why this chapter gave you such a headache. There's a lot going on, but I think you wrote it quite well (as usually ;)
And I think I finally forgave Mimi...
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:21 am (UTC)yay for confessions
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:25 am (UTC)I'm glad they've got that part semi-sorted out. I wonder what'll happen though. Somehow something big-ish may happen soon, I'm guessing? Zhou Mi's parents, perhaps?
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:34 am (UTC)Even though I haven't commented on the last few chapters I have been eagerly reading each one as soon as it's posted. My due date is fast approaching and once the baby's born I'm not sure if I'm going to feel up to commenting on everything I read however I do promise to read everything you write. I'm still going through all your older stuff, too; just finished the Baseball verse stories the other night.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 12:41 am (UTC)Also glomps u and ur beta this was def worth the wait! :3
*throws u more sparkly confetti*
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:41 am (UTC)Again I'm glad that they made a step forward. It's a good start. and Kyuhyun already overcame his doubt (perhaps...)
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 04:27 am (UTC)The way you wrote Zhou Mi's background... ;A; so heart-breaking!
Kyuuuuuuuu. youuuuuu. at least you got Mimi to confess ;A;
/tackles. AT LEAST YOU PUT THEM TOGETHER :3
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 01:44 am (UTC)OT/ Mentally shipping myself off to the concert ♥ hehe
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 02:41 am (UTC)me likes this very very much!!!!!
I hope Kyuhyun can help or at least understand all the efforts Zhoumi is doing to be truthful to himself and to others.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 02:41 am (UTC)I just wooow this one was also worth the wait ^__^ yaaaay now Kyuhyun knows whats going on <333 Can't wait for more interactions lol
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 05:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 07:13 am (UTC)This chapter really brought a bitter-sweet feeling for me. I can understand Kyuhyun's insecurity. That's why I'm glad he decided to just speak out loud of what he thought, thus forcing Mi to explain his feeling properly.
And then, Mimi's story in the past ... T___T
And all his speech about himself, all of his sincere honesty, really, really touched me. I can feel how much he loved Kyuhyun. And how he desperately hoped that Kyuhyun would believe him and gave him a second chance ... Guh. My heart. ;_____;
I'm really excited to see where they would go from here! :D
Good luck with the next chapter! Fighting!! \o/
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 09:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 10:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 03:36 pm (UTC)♥
no subject
Date: 2010-12-03 04:26 pm (UTC)ah, i feel like i learn ways to figure out my own life/issues through your fics :P
thank you, as always, for sharing your writing~ ^^
no subject
Date: 2010-12-04 10:23 pm (UTC)