[Fic] More Than This - 4/15
Dec. 13th, 2011 04:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coley_merrinTitle: More Than This
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Tablo/Eunhyuk
Other: Zhou Mi/other, Kyuhyun/other, Eunhyuk/Sooyoung, various
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crime, romance
Warnings: violence, death (not of main characters)
Summary: Zhou Mi’s focus is Heartstrings, a dating company where love is more than just a guarantee - it's in Zhou Mi’s blood. A matchmaking gift he’s used with gladness, until a series of murders has it shaping his nightmares.
Eunhyuk, his business partner, can’t let go of his tumultuous past. But finding a man he’s been looking for over half his life has repercussions not only for him, but for Zhou Mi and their future.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five
***
“Do you have those files?” Zhou Mi IMed Kyuhyun.
“In your inbox now.”
“Come with them?”
A not so subtle request for Kyuhyun to make his way into the office with the spreadsheet he’d just finished organizing for Zhou Mi. He was readying for another test of his baby. The new matching system, versus the old. And Kyuhyun seemed to watch things, absorbing, asking questions. It seemed like it would be something he would be interested learning about.
Kyuhyun entered after a quiet knock on the door frame, coming over to sit on the chair that Zhou Mi kicked out with his foot. His email pinged at him just as Kyuhyun sat, and he opened the spreadsheet, seeing Kyuhyun’s neat data entry. Just what he’d been hoping for. He uploaded the individual sheets as files, letting the program begin to assimilate it. It meant that with a few clicks, he could choose one person’s file, and based on parameters, it would pull up an ideal match along with several others.
“This is a new program I’ve been setting up with our developers,” Zhou Mi told Kyuhyun, turning the monitor so Kyuhyun could see better. “It’s more sensitive than the previous one, and I think it will make the existing one run a lot smoother. Without breaking the Internet during it. I’ve been working on this for a few years, actually. I don’t have the kind of technical skills to do it, though sometimes I wish I did. Mostly it’s that I get to start setting it up, importing the databases and doing test runs on the current system and this one. And then just seeing how they compare.”
“That’s interesting,” Kyuhyun said. “Are you seeing better results?”
“With a lot of tweaking, yes. I mean, the current one isn’t bad. I wouldn’t have chosen an inferior product when this is so important to me and the business. But I think anything can be improved upon.”
Kyuhyun nodded, looking impressed. “I see. So all this is what you’re working in addition to matching, and bringing in business.”
“A few late nights are worth it.”
And that was definitely not untrue. When he could finalize it all, it would be a load off of his shoulders. But he also didn’t want to launch it too soon and cause even more of a headache. It was another step forward for the business. He wasn’t going to stand in one place, content. They had to grow, and prosper.
He could see Kyuhyun’s tongue moving in his mouth as he considered the screen. Taking in the details, processing them. He wondered that a man intimately involved in the business, if that was someone he was best suited for. Someone who understood the things he did every day, why that was important to him. Kyuhyun was younger than him, though not by a lot. And age had never really been a factor in his matches. They were both single, attracted to men. That was the basest level of compatibility. But how secure Kyuhyun was, when Zhou Mi had already gone through that terrible breakup with a man who couldn’t admit to who he was.
“I don’t mean this to be as intrusive as it sounds,” Zhou Mi said gently. “But do you think you’ll tell your parents one day? That you like men?”
Kyuhyun looked a little surprised by his question, but not offended. It was a perk of the job sometimes. People thought he was being nosy because it was part of his work, when sometimes that wasn’t all there was to it.
“I’ve definitely thought about telling them,” Kyuhyun said, leaning back, and picking up a pen to play between his fingers. “I set milestones and stuff. Like, I’d tell them after I graduated college. Or after my sister got married. Or after my nephew was born. But then the time wasn’t right. I figure there will be a right time. I’m hoping there will be.”
“Do you think about getting married, so you don’t have to?”
“I don’t think any woman would put up with me,” Kyuhyun said, grinning. “Or would try and kill me. I love my parents. I would do so much for them. But I think if they started pushing that… I think I’d have to tell them.”
“You say that like you’re protecting them.”
“I guess. It makes sense. Protecting them from being unhappy. From feeling like they raised someone…unnatural.”
“Not unnatural,” Zhou Mi said fiercely, reaching to clutch Kyuhyun’s arm. “A man who is still their precious son no matter who he’s attracted to. And no matter if you are waiting or not, I am glad you aren’t letting it keep you from living your life. I hate to see those regrets.”
“You wouldn’t want to tell them for me, right?”
Kyuhyun was only half serious. Though Zhou Mi wished he could be there at some of those confessions. It was so easy to fight for others, even when it was harder for himself. He had so many fantasies of things he’d love to say to families to belittled their children, their choices. Love them, support them! Cherish all they are, and all they will be! he wanted to scream at them.
No person had the right to tear down another, or dictate to what standard a life should be lived. Every single person was given a destiny, he believed that. The road to that could be circuitous. Some finding those early, some late. But he was never going to be among the critics. A little more help, a little more stepping back. And less rapping on the wings of the bird, bruising them, before it could begin to fly.
“I believe you’ll find your own way,” Zhou Mi said. And there was nothing else really to say. He imbued those words with as much belief as he could.
Kyuhyun ducked his head, acknowledging his words. “Thanks.
“Okay. Side trip aside. This,” Zhou Mi said, making a few keystrokes. “Is the result you get for Siwon with the new information you just sent over to me. And these are the old results.”
Two of the women were the same, but two were different.
“Why?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
And Zhou Mi was glad to show him.
***
Eunhyuk waited until the end of the workday, on purpose. If he told Zhou Mi before Kyuhyun arrived, and things got ugly - he didn’t want a repeat of their episode about Zhou Mi’s one night stands. That made telling Zhou Mi while Kyuhyun was there even more out of the question. So he slid around in his seat, watching the clock and trying to rehearse what to say. Zhou Mi knew parts of it, just by reason of their being friends. But it was the parts of it that he didn’t know that had Eunhyuk’s stomach on edge. He had a light snack, hoping it’d calm his nerves. It was just Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi. His friend, his best friend, for more years than he had fingers.
Sending off Kyuhyun and locking the door was like ringing the death knell. He could put it off, but it would just make him hate himself for being so gutless. The bad thing was that he knew Zhou Mi was tired. Zhou Mi had been there since who knew what time, and tiredness didn’t particularly improve Zhou Mi’s reactions to things, unless it was really happy stuff.
But if he made excuses to put it off, he’d always find one. Zhou Mi was tired today, he might be tired tomorrow. Best to rip off the bandage right then.
“Hey, Zhou Mi, you have a minute?” he asked, leaning against the door jamb so nonchalantly.
Zhou Mi looked up, as though startled, hastily folding the newspaper in his hand. Eunhyuk had clearly flustered him, because he tried folding it two different ways before dropping it behind his desk.
“Sure. Yes.”
“You don’t have to look so guilty,” Eunhyuk teased, coming in to sit. Or perch, rather. “If you have time to look at the newspaper, that has to be a good thing.”
“It’s not that, it’s—“ Zhou Mi shook his head, and let the weird expression melt off his face. “You needed something?”
“Yes. I have something to tell you. About. You know about my childhood.”
Zhou Mi nodded, beginning to frown.
“Then I have something to tell you about me. And about Tablo.”
“Tablo?” Zhou Mi asked, and then waved his hand, nodding to let Eunhyuk know he could continue. And there were things Zhou Mi knew about Eunhyuk’s childhood. That when he was six, Eunhyuk’s mother had been murdered while his father was out of the country, that the only place he could go was an orphanage for two long, emotional and terrifying weeks. Until his father had come for him.
“You remember me telling you about the older boy in the orphanage. The one who looked after me? How I always wondered what had happened to him?”
Zhou Mi’s eyes were soft, because they had told each other many a mopey story over the years. And Eunhyuk’s centered around his mother. And around the boy who had made what was the most horrible time in his life better. The boy Eunhyuk had lost. But Zhou Mi also wasn’t slow. Eunhyuk could see the thoughts lining up in Zhou Mi’s head. Something about Tablo. How Eunhyuk had wondered.
“Tablo…” Zhou Mi paused. “Is Tablo is the boy from the orphanage?”
Eunhyuk swallowed, pressing his lips together. “I think so. I’m 98% certain. But now that I know, I don’t know what to do.”
Zhou Mi shoved some of his hair out of his eyes and shook his head. “That’s great. I mean. You’ve been wondering for so long. But… I don’t really understand. You brought his name to me. Did we hire from his company by accident? Or did you know before?”
“I knew before. I found a blog he’d made, when I was doing an Internet search. The connection between his name, and age, and the orphanage. And I knew it almost had to be him.”
Even though Eunhyuk was explaining, Zhou Mi looked more and more confused.
“Was wanting an employee an excuse, then? Just to get close to him?”
“No,” Eunhyuk said, and that was the rest of his secret. “No. I knew we needed an assistant before I found that out. And his company was recommended. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Zhou Mi rolled his chair closer, getting both hands on Eunhyuk’s knees. “Yes, you should’ve told me. This is amazing news, and so unexpected. But we could’ve worked on this together.”
He nodded, miserable, though he had no idea what to say. He’d omitted information from his business partner, but also his friend. Zhou Mi was understanding, and deeply good-hearted, but that was not something that Eunhyuk took for granted.
“Even if I didn’t know why you were doing it, your business logic was sound. I never thought differently.”
“I would never jeopardize the business,” Eunhyuk said, voice hoarse and horrified.
“I know. I know. Come here.” And Zhou Mi tugged him to his feet, wrapping him close. Zhou Mi, so tactile, had given him innumerable hugs over the years. He wasn’t sure how many made him feel so much better as the one he was currently returning. “You’ve been doing a lot by yourself. But why tell me now?”
“Because I can’t do it on my own.” And he had to swallow because his voice was cracking. Zhou Mi’s sympathy almost too much to bear. “I needed to talk it out with you. I don’t know what to do.”
Such an utter mess. Where a virtual stranger was slowly becoming a person more familiar to him. And that process was beginning to write over memories imprinted in the mind of a young boy over two decades earlier. Daniel - Tablo sleeping beside his bed after a nightmare. And Tablo the man who Eunhyuk was able to take the measure of, as an adult himself. How to tell Tablo, how to be a hundred percent certain, that he didn’t know.
After a few pats to his back, Zhou Mi let him go, and shoved a tissue at him when it was clear that they had narrowly averted tears.
“Start from the beginning, please?” Zhou Mi asked. “Tell me everything.”
That he could do. Retrieving his secret folder gave him time to regroup himself. Even if Zhou Mi had seen him cry before, that wasn’t what he needed then. He walked Zhou Mi through the folder piece by piece. It was one thing for Zhou Mi to know the stories. And another for him to see how it had become an obsession. He’d invested more time and thought into one person, than he had into all of his romantic relationships combined. And most of it had been based off childhood memories, not all of which were clear. The rest, imagining meeting Tablo again. How Tablo would react. If he’d be happy, or if they’d get along as adults.
“You always talked about him like he was your hero,” Zhou Mi said, picking up a paper that Eunhyuk had printed out with an undated picture of Tablo on it. “Are you disappointed in the person you found?”
He’d asked himself the same.
“No. But I walked myself into two corners. First, engaging him without letting you know the underlying reason. And second, engaging him without telling him who I was. I already told you how sorry I am for not telling you, but it’s a different regret with him.”
“I know. If he remembers the same way you do, he’d have to understand the kind of apprehension and hope you had. But also be happy that you looked for him!”
It was tempting to want to laugh with how emphatic Zhou Mi was, how sure he sounded in a stranger’s good will. “But not everyone is as nice as you.”
“Well, it’s too late to go back so I can tell you what you should do,” Zhou Mi said, eyes a bit mischievous as he patted Eunhyuk’s knee. “But I bet you can guess what I’ll advise you to do now?”
“Tell him as soon as possible?” Eunhyuk asked, knowing beyond the shadow of doubt. And Zhou Mi nodded, confirming it, face totally rock solid in its surety.
“We got one good assistant out of your search already,” Zhou Mi said. “You know you can take it the rest of the way. You’ve come too far to walk away without telling him, and I have a personal objection to bashing my friends on the head to give them amnesia.”
“But I was going to ask you to do that that next,” Eunhyuk laughed.
Zhou Mi closed the folder carefully, and his face was full of consideration. “Even if I wish you’d told me from the start, I know you had a lot of reasons. But let’s promise not to have any more secrets where the business is concerned.”
He didn’t resent at all, that Zhou Mi would ask them to agree on that point. Because it was what they had founded the business on to begin with. Transparency between them.
“Yes, I agree. No more secrets,” Eunhyuk said, and held out his hand.
And they shook on it, sealing their bargain.
And serious business aside, Zhou Mi leaned forward onto his elbows. “So have you thought about how to tell him? “Luke, I am your father,” or?”
There was no way to stop the laugh. And of course being laughed with made Zhou Mi’s expression into one that looked like he’d hung the moon. Of course, he had a thousand ways in mind, so many that it made him a little crazy. Especially if he picked the wrong one.
"I had one more question," Eunhyuk said, and braced himself for asking it. "What if you idolized this guy from the time you were a kid. But then you met him, and you realized maybe you didn’t want to just be his friend."
Another layer of complication, he knew that. Even as Zhou Mi's eyes widened in understanding.
***
Eunhyuk’s head, his desk, his life, seemed like a lighter place after bringing Zhou Mi into the secret. They’d gotten drinks afterward, and it was them as usual. Zhou Mi and Eunhyuk against the world. In the office, it was almost the same. Of course, the big difference was that when Zhou Mi looked his way, it more often came with an eyebrow waggle and a questioning look. Had Eunhyuk figured it out yet? Made his decision?
Even when he had the thoughts that he wished he could get Zhou Mi to back off of it a little, it kept him focused. It wouldn’t let him stick his head in the sand, and let time drag on. He’d done the rest of his duty, in telling Sooyoung parts of the story. The parts she deserved to know. The rest, those would be between Zhou Mi and him alone. And not surprisingly, she wanted to know when he was going to tell Tablo, too. It was like having a chorus of very leggy, chirpy birds at him from two sides.
The only thing he hadn’t counted on was Sooyoung acting as go-between for her brother Siwon, and Zhou Mi. Ferrying papers, in a way that put her in Zhou Mi’s sphere of influence. He was pretty sure there was a law of physics somewhere, that said two well-meaning individuals couldn’t occupy the same space, or the universe would explode. Or they’d team up. That was what he was more afraid of.
It wasn’t like he lurked. It was his office, too. Just because Zhou Mi got the only private space had nothing to do with the balance of power, and more to do with the fact that it was what Zhou Mi needed to keep Eunhyuk from going crazy. Just as long as he didn’t have to see Zhou Mi’s clutter, they were good.
“How’s it going?” he asked, all subtlety. As though his mere presence could inspire the universe to obey his whims.
“Great,” Zhou Mi said, smiling up at him. “We were just catching up a little.”
Zhou Mi, of course, knew Sooyoung from when Eunhyuk had dated her the first time. And they had been as friendly as either of them ever had with the other’s dates. But he didn’t have time to formulate an excuse, or a topic changer, before Sooyoung twisted in her chair.
“So have you spilled the beans, yet?”
Eunhyuk took several more steps into the office, hoping to referee before things got out of hand.
“No. No, not yet. I’ll do it in my own time, okay?”
And at that, Zhou Mi looked very perky. As though he’d figured out something. “You told her about Tablo? Does that mean you’re almost ready—?”
All three of them stopped, almost mid motion, when it was clear there was a fourth person present. Kyuhyun, with a stack of papers in the doorway, blinking at them.
“Great, why not let everyone know,” Eunhyuk griped.
“Everyone hardly extends past Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi shot back. “He’s part of this office, too. And he knows Tablo.”
When he glanced back, Kyuhyun was looking less confused, though it was obvious he still had no idea what they were going on about. Eunhyuk waved at Zhou Mi to indicate it was okay for him to say, since he was clearly bursting to do so.
“Eunhyuk knew Tablo when they were young, but they lost track of each other,” Zhou Mi said, keeping the facts to the bare minimum. “But Tablo doesn’t know yet.”
“And you can’t tell him!” Eunhyuk demanded, at the room at large, but mostly at Kyuhyun.
“Of course I won’t. But.” Kyuhyun looked utterly confused. “He doesn’t know?”
“Eunhyuk is being stubborn,” Sooyoung said, with maybe a touch more exasperation than was called for. “And Eunhyuk wants to be sure of who he is for some reason.”
“Why doesn’t he— Why don’t you just ask?” Kyuhyun asked, looking at Eunhyuk.
Zhou Mi smirked. “Because he’s trying to be all covert recognizance to make sure of who Tablo is.”
“He knows!” Sooyoung interjected.
Eunhyuk shook his head, feeling like he was caught in a storm of his own making. “I don’t know, not for sure. All I know his his legal Korean name, and that’s the same as before, too, but. I can’t find his English name.”
“Daniel?” Kyuhyun said, and all their eyes were on him immediately. Eunhyuk’s ears felt like they were ringing. He’d been so sure of Tablo’s identity. But that name, Daniel, was the last piece. The last thing he hadn’t been sure of. The last thing he’d needed to know. Kyuhyun shrugged. “It’s on his degrees. On his wall?”
Eunhyuk’s head dropped in defeat.
“All that effort and you didn’t look at his walls?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Shut up. It is him. It really is.”
But now that the secret was out in the open, he had no more reason to deny it. He skirted Zhou Mi to get closer to Kyuhyun, his thoughts whirling.
“Has he said anything about me?” And he shook his head violently, waving his hands. “No. No. I won’t stoop to that. Forget I asked.”
Kyuhyun blinked. “Okay?”
“If I ask you that, then you start thinking you have to tell me, or I jeopardize your job.”
Kyuhyun had the capacity to look amused instead of insulted, at the very least. “I’d rather be fired because I couldn’t do my job, rather than play informant, actually. But we don’t really talk much about people.”
“There’s probably not much to wonder about anyway,” Eunhyuk said, leaning back against the office wall.
“He could wonder if you’re single. Or if you and Zhou Mi are together. Or were together,” Sooyoung said.
Since Eunhyuk was looking at Kyuhyun when the question was asked, he could see Kyuhyun’s eyebrows go sky high.
“Uh. Privileged information,” Zhou Mi said with a chuckle.
Sooyoung turned and pinned Eunhyuk with a stare. “That’s exactly what he said.”
Of course, Sooyoung didn’t see the little wink Zhou Mi sent him.
“Really, we’ve been together more times than I can count,” Zhou Mi continued, stretching his arms up and behind his head in a satisfied way. “His body line is really the best, don’t don’t you think?”
“I see why you two are friends,” she said, a slight pout marring her fading triumph.
Eunhyuk patted her head. “You’re not the first one to wonder.”
He nearly had his hand taken off as she swatted back at him.
“I have a question, though,” Zhou Mi said, ignoring the fighting and considering Kyuhyun, who was still frozen in the doorway. “And you don’t have to answer. But since you know him better than we do, do you think he’d be happy to find out who Eunhyuk is?”
It took a moment, Kyuhyun’s eyebrows drawing together a bit. Almost like a held breath between them all. “I’d like to think so.”
And at Kyuhyun’s thoughtful answer, Zhou Mi looked back at him and nodded. “Then I won’t ask you again. You know for sure now. You can take the opportunity you have.”
Right. It was all up to him. Not an ounce of pressure in that at all. But Kyuhyun nodded at him, in a show of support. Sooyoung gave him two thumbs up. And Zhou Mi was beaming at him.
His own little cheerleading squad.
And it was still better than it ever had been, holding the secret alone.
***
He saw her in his dreams again, the woman from his nightmare. The woman who he knew was dead. He couldn’t help the whimper, wanting to squirm away. Just seeing her sitting there, like he knew her. Like she was waiting for someone to help her.
But he knew no one could. He saw the images of her funeral so clearly in his head.
The lone streetlight above her only seemed to highlight how alone she looked. Staring into the street near where she died with her purse near her feet. Staring nearly at him, from where he sat across the street from her. The cold of the stone beneath him seeping into his bones.
And Zhou Mi cried out, impact against his knees sending panic through him. But even as he reached to push, the boy looked up at him. The woman’s son. All of his weight on Zhou Mi’s legs where he’d flopped, and a hopeful, teary smile looking up at Zhou Mi.
“Will you help my mommy?”
“I don’t know how,” Zhou Mi said. But how he wished he did. He’d written down every detail he could remember. The problem was, he hadn’t seen the killer. She hadn’t said anything. And the police knew already where she’d been killed. He knew nothing to help them. His snapshot of the crime was as useless as a picture of a carrot was to a hungry person.
“Help her!” the child said again, and ran back across the deserted street to sit with his mother.
Zhou Mi woke, keening tears into his pillow.
***
The office dynamic was continually swirling. Zhou Mi had been content, if harried, with two of them. And content again with three. As for Eunhyuk, knowing what had motivated him even more so to find them an assistant, colored his thoughts for a few days. And it had nothing to do with Kyuhyun, who seemed to be easier around them by the second, joining in their teasing. But he considered if he would have done the same thing as Eunhyuk. Secrets had never really been his strongest asset in life. He loved sharing, and gleeing or worrying with someone else. But there were so many unknowns, so many years of wondering, that he could understand that Eunhyuk had wanted to try to do it himself first. It wasn’t a judgement on Zhou Mi’s fitness as his friend, more a judgement on Eunhyuk’s expectations for himself.
And eating together that night, hugging again, had put the most of it to rights. It didn’t stop him from worrying about how Eunhyuk would fix the situation and tell Tablo himself. Keeping his nose out of that kind of business was hard enough when it was Eunhyuk, and he could see all the hope and conflict darting all over the familiar face.
It was only bad timing, that had Zhou Mi’s monthly “outing” falling just a few short days later. Bad timing for a lot of things. He kept himself from glancing at the drawer that held the newspaper containing the story of an unknown woman’s death. He’d almost convinced himself that it had just been a story he’d heard of before sleeping, because he couldn’t find an explanation otherwise that fit. He’d never had dreams before, not like that. Ones that kept coming back. Places he’d never been to. It made him jittery to focus on it for long, and he was determined to ignore it, any possibility of it.
And focus on his real problems. Considering he and Eunhyuk had managed to freak Kyuhyun out by fighting the first time, Eunhyuk had taken the afternoon off, not trusting himself to behave. He appreciated Eunhyuk’s concern. For both Zhou Mi’s physical and emotional wellbeing. Eunhyuk couldn’t approve of casual sex, even if it was one day a month.
It wasn’t as though he’d intended it to be that way. He’d dated a couple of people since his last, disastrous breakup. He had new hair and a new attitude to show for it. But he came out of it lonely, and needy. Needy for touch, for sex, for the intimacy that came with it. Needing, maybe, to know he was still desired. The first time had been a fluke. The right place, right time, right guy. Spilling into a condom in the guy’s mouth, and for once not thinking about anything.
But that wasn’t how he dealt with stuff. He could’ve gone out trawling for guys night after night. Filled the gap in himself in the least safe, least emotionally healthy way he could. The once monthly bid for sex had been a bit of a compromise. If he didn’t find someone he found suitable, he’d go home. That had only happened once. And it wasn’t as though he went exclusively for sex. He told himself that if he found someone willing to engage him in conversation exclusively instead of starting out with grinding or drinking, then he’d have been interested to sit and talk, or maybe kiss, or go on a date.
But it seemed like a lot of men were truly only out to satisfy one part of their desire. But it was a relief. Getting Heartstrings up and running, keeping it moving, growing, had taken up most of his time. The thought of adding on, cultivating, a relationship on top of what he already did made his head hurt. It was enough that he was helping others attain what he was lacking. For the short term, at least. He didn’t think he could functionally support someone’s feelings and expectations without melting down. The one night a month at least kept him feeling like he was still a man, still human. That his needs hadn’t shriveled up and disappeared.
Whether he believed he was truly good at relationships was something else entirely. There was no question if he dreamed about them, or built fantasy sand castles around them. That perfect boyfriend who wanted to listen to all his troubles, and cuddle together after a hard day, and eat at all the same places that Zhou Mi liked. Maybe even someone who could cook, and like lazy, lovely weekend mornings in bed before accompanying him to retail therapy.
Last he checked there was no build-a-boyfriend workshop. At least, not for him. But Heartstrings, he was determined, was going to be nearly that for as many people as he could help. Paying the bills, yes. But there was a love in the craft that he had held from a young age.
And that it was more than chance. More than using reason on a set of profiles and matching according to parameters. He could almost see the profiles spreading in his brain. The wants, the dislikes. The conversations he insisted on, details in voice, and character. Not always people he liked, but he didn’t have to. And it wasn’t always exact. There was no needle in his brain that pointed to the perfect mate. But those instincts had been with him as long as he could remember. A certain kind of knowing he couldn’t quite shake, tingling in the back of his mind. He had tried asking his mother, but had gotten only a concerned look and questions about his sleeping habits. His grandmother had given him a smile.
But with his high school diploma in hand, she had pulled him down so that they were face to face, holding his cheeks with beloved hands.
“You will do good things with your gifts,” she said.
And the way she looked at him, here eyes sharp and focused, waiting as though for him to understand.
“Do you mean about the—?”
She simply patted his cheeks, and walked back to his parents.
He hadn’t really understood fully, then. Hadn’t, as he went through college, and learned.
In some ways he was still learning about the things he saw, why he simply knew things, and learned to trust himself on it.
And when he went out, wandered through the crowds, he wondered if it was intuition, or just attraction, that had him making his choice.
“Hey Kyuhyun, are you busy after work tonight?” Zhou Mi asked, poking his head out of his office. He had a spare change of clothes, nice enough to go out looking for a man to spend the night with, so he figured he could leave straight from the office. But he had another errand in mind first.
“I’m free,” Kyuhyun said, turning around fully in his office chair. “Why?”
“I was thinking of checking out the restaurant you told me about, the one where your friend works? If you wanted to come with me and give me any insights.”
He noticed, not for the first time, that Kyuhyun’s mouth seemed to be perpetually curled at the corners. Like a smirk or laugh was just waiting to be teased out. But he got a nod, Kyuhyun blinking thoughtfully at him.
“Yeah. It’s been a while since I’ve been. So that sounds good.”
And Zhou Mi was content with that answer. He didn’t want to be the coercing boss. “Don’t let him know we’re coming, okay? I just want to see it how it is.”
And with Kyuhyun’s agreement, he returned back to his desk and picked up his powder compact with its little mirror, to finish getting ready.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Tablo/Eunhyuk
Other: Zhou Mi/other, Kyuhyun/other, Eunhyuk/Sooyoung, various
Rating: R
Genre: AU, crime, romance
Warnings: violence, death (not of main characters)
Summary: Zhou Mi’s focus is Heartstrings, a dating company where love is more than just a guarantee - it's in Zhou Mi’s blood. A matchmaking gift he’s used with gladness, until a series of murders has it shaping his nightmares.
Eunhyuk, his business partner, can’t let go of his tumultuous past. But finding a man he’s been looking for over half his life has repercussions not only for him, but for Zhou Mi and their future.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five
***
“Do you have those files?” Zhou Mi IMed Kyuhyun.
“In your inbox now.”
“Come with them?”
A not so subtle request for Kyuhyun to make his way into the office with the spreadsheet he’d just finished organizing for Zhou Mi. He was readying for another test of his baby. The new matching system, versus the old. And Kyuhyun seemed to watch things, absorbing, asking questions. It seemed like it would be something he would be interested learning about.
Kyuhyun entered after a quiet knock on the door frame, coming over to sit on the chair that Zhou Mi kicked out with his foot. His email pinged at him just as Kyuhyun sat, and he opened the spreadsheet, seeing Kyuhyun’s neat data entry. Just what he’d been hoping for. He uploaded the individual sheets as files, letting the program begin to assimilate it. It meant that with a few clicks, he could choose one person’s file, and based on parameters, it would pull up an ideal match along with several others.
“This is a new program I’ve been setting up with our developers,” Zhou Mi told Kyuhyun, turning the monitor so Kyuhyun could see better. “It’s more sensitive than the previous one, and I think it will make the existing one run a lot smoother. Without breaking the Internet during it. I’ve been working on this for a few years, actually. I don’t have the kind of technical skills to do it, though sometimes I wish I did. Mostly it’s that I get to start setting it up, importing the databases and doing test runs on the current system and this one. And then just seeing how they compare.”
“That’s interesting,” Kyuhyun said. “Are you seeing better results?”
“With a lot of tweaking, yes. I mean, the current one isn’t bad. I wouldn’t have chosen an inferior product when this is so important to me and the business. But I think anything can be improved upon.”
Kyuhyun nodded, looking impressed. “I see. So all this is what you’re working in addition to matching, and bringing in business.”
“A few late nights are worth it.”
And that was definitely not untrue. When he could finalize it all, it would be a load off of his shoulders. But he also didn’t want to launch it too soon and cause even more of a headache. It was another step forward for the business. He wasn’t going to stand in one place, content. They had to grow, and prosper.
He could see Kyuhyun’s tongue moving in his mouth as he considered the screen. Taking in the details, processing them. He wondered that a man intimately involved in the business, if that was someone he was best suited for. Someone who understood the things he did every day, why that was important to him. Kyuhyun was younger than him, though not by a lot. And age had never really been a factor in his matches. They were both single, attracted to men. That was the basest level of compatibility. But how secure Kyuhyun was, when Zhou Mi had already gone through that terrible breakup with a man who couldn’t admit to who he was.
“I don’t mean this to be as intrusive as it sounds,” Zhou Mi said gently. “But do you think you’ll tell your parents one day? That you like men?”
Kyuhyun looked a little surprised by his question, but not offended. It was a perk of the job sometimes. People thought he was being nosy because it was part of his work, when sometimes that wasn’t all there was to it.
“I’ve definitely thought about telling them,” Kyuhyun said, leaning back, and picking up a pen to play between his fingers. “I set milestones and stuff. Like, I’d tell them after I graduated college. Or after my sister got married. Or after my nephew was born. But then the time wasn’t right. I figure there will be a right time. I’m hoping there will be.”
“Do you think about getting married, so you don’t have to?”
“I don’t think any woman would put up with me,” Kyuhyun said, grinning. “Or would try and kill me. I love my parents. I would do so much for them. But I think if they started pushing that… I think I’d have to tell them.”
“You say that like you’re protecting them.”
“I guess. It makes sense. Protecting them from being unhappy. From feeling like they raised someone…unnatural.”
“Not unnatural,” Zhou Mi said fiercely, reaching to clutch Kyuhyun’s arm. “A man who is still their precious son no matter who he’s attracted to. And no matter if you are waiting or not, I am glad you aren’t letting it keep you from living your life. I hate to see those regrets.”
“You wouldn’t want to tell them for me, right?”
Kyuhyun was only half serious. Though Zhou Mi wished he could be there at some of those confessions. It was so easy to fight for others, even when it was harder for himself. He had so many fantasies of things he’d love to say to families to belittled their children, their choices. Love them, support them! Cherish all they are, and all they will be! he wanted to scream at them.
No person had the right to tear down another, or dictate to what standard a life should be lived. Every single person was given a destiny, he believed that. The road to that could be circuitous. Some finding those early, some late. But he was never going to be among the critics. A little more help, a little more stepping back. And less rapping on the wings of the bird, bruising them, before it could begin to fly.
“I believe you’ll find your own way,” Zhou Mi said. And there was nothing else really to say. He imbued those words with as much belief as he could.
Kyuhyun ducked his head, acknowledging his words. “Thanks.
“Okay. Side trip aside. This,” Zhou Mi said, making a few keystrokes. “Is the result you get for Siwon with the new information you just sent over to me. And these are the old results.”
Two of the women were the same, but two were different.
“Why?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
And Zhou Mi was glad to show him.
***
Eunhyuk waited until the end of the workday, on purpose. If he told Zhou Mi before Kyuhyun arrived, and things got ugly - he didn’t want a repeat of their episode about Zhou Mi’s one night stands. That made telling Zhou Mi while Kyuhyun was there even more out of the question. So he slid around in his seat, watching the clock and trying to rehearse what to say. Zhou Mi knew parts of it, just by reason of their being friends. But it was the parts of it that he didn’t know that had Eunhyuk’s stomach on edge. He had a light snack, hoping it’d calm his nerves. It was just Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi. His friend, his best friend, for more years than he had fingers.
Sending off Kyuhyun and locking the door was like ringing the death knell. He could put it off, but it would just make him hate himself for being so gutless. The bad thing was that he knew Zhou Mi was tired. Zhou Mi had been there since who knew what time, and tiredness didn’t particularly improve Zhou Mi’s reactions to things, unless it was really happy stuff.
But if he made excuses to put it off, he’d always find one. Zhou Mi was tired today, he might be tired tomorrow. Best to rip off the bandage right then.
“Hey, Zhou Mi, you have a minute?” he asked, leaning against the door jamb so nonchalantly.
Zhou Mi looked up, as though startled, hastily folding the newspaper in his hand. Eunhyuk had clearly flustered him, because he tried folding it two different ways before dropping it behind his desk.
“Sure. Yes.”
“You don’t have to look so guilty,” Eunhyuk teased, coming in to sit. Or perch, rather. “If you have time to look at the newspaper, that has to be a good thing.”
“It’s not that, it’s—“ Zhou Mi shook his head, and let the weird expression melt off his face. “You needed something?”
“Yes. I have something to tell you. About. You know about my childhood.”
Zhou Mi nodded, beginning to frown.
“Then I have something to tell you about me. And about Tablo.”
“Tablo?” Zhou Mi asked, and then waved his hand, nodding to let Eunhyuk know he could continue. And there were things Zhou Mi knew about Eunhyuk’s childhood. That when he was six, Eunhyuk’s mother had been murdered while his father was out of the country, that the only place he could go was an orphanage for two long, emotional and terrifying weeks. Until his father had come for him.
“You remember me telling you about the older boy in the orphanage. The one who looked after me? How I always wondered what had happened to him?”
Zhou Mi’s eyes were soft, because they had told each other many a mopey story over the years. And Eunhyuk’s centered around his mother. And around the boy who had made what was the most horrible time in his life better. The boy Eunhyuk had lost. But Zhou Mi also wasn’t slow. Eunhyuk could see the thoughts lining up in Zhou Mi’s head. Something about Tablo. How Eunhyuk had wondered.
“Tablo…” Zhou Mi paused. “Is Tablo is the boy from the orphanage?”
Eunhyuk swallowed, pressing his lips together. “I think so. I’m 98% certain. But now that I know, I don’t know what to do.”
Zhou Mi shoved some of his hair out of his eyes and shook his head. “That’s great. I mean. You’ve been wondering for so long. But… I don’t really understand. You brought his name to me. Did we hire from his company by accident? Or did you know before?”
“I knew before. I found a blog he’d made, when I was doing an Internet search. The connection between his name, and age, and the orphanage. And I knew it almost had to be him.”
Even though Eunhyuk was explaining, Zhou Mi looked more and more confused.
“Was wanting an employee an excuse, then? Just to get close to him?”
“No,” Eunhyuk said, and that was the rest of his secret. “No. I knew we needed an assistant before I found that out. And his company was recommended. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Zhou Mi rolled his chair closer, getting both hands on Eunhyuk’s knees. “Yes, you should’ve told me. This is amazing news, and so unexpected. But we could’ve worked on this together.”
He nodded, miserable, though he had no idea what to say. He’d omitted information from his business partner, but also his friend. Zhou Mi was understanding, and deeply good-hearted, but that was not something that Eunhyuk took for granted.
“Even if I didn’t know why you were doing it, your business logic was sound. I never thought differently.”
“I would never jeopardize the business,” Eunhyuk said, voice hoarse and horrified.
“I know. I know. Come here.” And Zhou Mi tugged him to his feet, wrapping him close. Zhou Mi, so tactile, had given him innumerable hugs over the years. He wasn’t sure how many made him feel so much better as the one he was currently returning. “You’ve been doing a lot by yourself. But why tell me now?”
“Because I can’t do it on my own.” And he had to swallow because his voice was cracking. Zhou Mi’s sympathy almost too much to bear. “I needed to talk it out with you. I don’t know what to do.”
Such an utter mess. Where a virtual stranger was slowly becoming a person more familiar to him. And that process was beginning to write over memories imprinted in the mind of a young boy over two decades earlier. Daniel - Tablo sleeping beside his bed after a nightmare. And Tablo the man who Eunhyuk was able to take the measure of, as an adult himself. How to tell Tablo, how to be a hundred percent certain, that he didn’t know.
After a few pats to his back, Zhou Mi let him go, and shoved a tissue at him when it was clear that they had narrowly averted tears.
“Start from the beginning, please?” Zhou Mi asked. “Tell me everything.”
That he could do. Retrieving his secret folder gave him time to regroup himself. Even if Zhou Mi had seen him cry before, that wasn’t what he needed then. He walked Zhou Mi through the folder piece by piece. It was one thing for Zhou Mi to know the stories. And another for him to see how it had become an obsession. He’d invested more time and thought into one person, than he had into all of his romantic relationships combined. And most of it had been based off childhood memories, not all of which were clear. The rest, imagining meeting Tablo again. How Tablo would react. If he’d be happy, or if they’d get along as adults.
“You always talked about him like he was your hero,” Zhou Mi said, picking up a paper that Eunhyuk had printed out with an undated picture of Tablo on it. “Are you disappointed in the person you found?”
He’d asked himself the same.
“No. But I walked myself into two corners. First, engaging him without letting you know the underlying reason. And second, engaging him without telling him who I was. I already told you how sorry I am for not telling you, but it’s a different regret with him.”
“I know. If he remembers the same way you do, he’d have to understand the kind of apprehension and hope you had. But also be happy that you looked for him!”
It was tempting to want to laugh with how emphatic Zhou Mi was, how sure he sounded in a stranger’s good will. “But not everyone is as nice as you.”
“Well, it’s too late to go back so I can tell you what you should do,” Zhou Mi said, eyes a bit mischievous as he patted Eunhyuk’s knee. “But I bet you can guess what I’ll advise you to do now?”
“Tell him as soon as possible?” Eunhyuk asked, knowing beyond the shadow of doubt. And Zhou Mi nodded, confirming it, face totally rock solid in its surety.
“We got one good assistant out of your search already,” Zhou Mi said. “You know you can take it the rest of the way. You’ve come too far to walk away without telling him, and I have a personal objection to bashing my friends on the head to give them amnesia.”
“But I was going to ask you to do that that next,” Eunhyuk laughed.
Zhou Mi closed the folder carefully, and his face was full of consideration. “Even if I wish you’d told me from the start, I know you had a lot of reasons. But let’s promise not to have any more secrets where the business is concerned.”
He didn’t resent at all, that Zhou Mi would ask them to agree on that point. Because it was what they had founded the business on to begin with. Transparency between them.
“Yes, I agree. No more secrets,” Eunhyuk said, and held out his hand.
And they shook on it, sealing their bargain.
And serious business aside, Zhou Mi leaned forward onto his elbows. “So have you thought about how to tell him? “Luke, I am your father,” or?”
There was no way to stop the laugh. And of course being laughed with made Zhou Mi’s expression into one that looked like he’d hung the moon. Of course, he had a thousand ways in mind, so many that it made him a little crazy. Especially if he picked the wrong one.
"I had one more question," Eunhyuk said, and braced himself for asking it. "What if you idolized this guy from the time you were a kid. But then you met him, and you realized maybe you didn’t want to just be his friend."
Another layer of complication, he knew that. Even as Zhou Mi's eyes widened in understanding.
***
Eunhyuk’s head, his desk, his life, seemed like a lighter place after bringing Zhou Mi into the secret. They’d gotten drinks afterward, and it was them as usual. Zhou Mi and Eunhyuk against the world. In the office, it was almost the same. Of course, the big difference was that when Zhou Mi looked his way, it more often came with an eyebrow waggle and a questioning look. Had Eunhyuk figured it out yet? Made his decision?
Even when he had the thoughts that he wished he could get Zhou Mi to back off of it a little, it kept him focused. It wouldn’t let him stick his head in the sand, and let time drag on. He’d done the rest of his duty, in telling Sooyoung parts of the story. The parts she deserved to know. The rest, those would be between Zhou Mi and him alone. And not surprisingly, she wanted to know when he was going to tell Tablo, too. It was like having a chorus of very leggy, chirpy birds at him from two sides.
The only thing he hadn’t counted on was Sooyoung acting as go-between for her brother Siwon, and Zhou Mi. Ferrying papers, in a way that put her in Zhou Mi’s sphere of influence. He was pretty sure there was a law of physics somewhere, that said two well-meaning individuals couldn’t occupy the same space, or the universe would explode. Or they’d team up. That was what he was more afraid of.
It wasn’t like he lurked. It was his office, too. Just because Zhou Mi got the only private space had nothing to do with the balance of power, and more to do with the fact that it was what Zhou Mi needed to keep Eunhyuk from going crazy. Just as long as he didn’t have to see Zhou Mi’s clutter, they were good.
“How’s it going?” he asked, all subtlety. As though his mere presence could inspire the universe to obey his whims.
“Great,” Zhou Mi said, smiling up at him. “We were just catching up a little.”
Zhou Mi, of course, knew Sooyoung from when Eunhyuk had dated her the first time. And they had been as friendly as either of them ever had with the other’s dates. But he didn’t have time to formulate an excuse, or a topic changer, before Sooyoung twisted in her chair.
“So have you spilled the beans, yet?”
Eunhyuk took several more steps into the office, hoping to referee before things got out of hand.
“No. No, not yet. I’ll do it in my own time, okay?”
And at that, Zhou Mi looked very perky. As though he’d figured out something. “You told her about Tablo? Does that mean you’re almost ready—?”
All three of them stopped, almost mid motion, when it was clear there was a fourth person present. Kyuhyun, with a stack of papers in the doorway, blinking at them.
“Great, why not let everyone know,” Eunhyuk griped.
“Everyone hardly extends past Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi shot back. “He’s part of this office, too. And he knows Tablo.”
When he glanced back, Kyuhyun was looking less confused, though it was obvious he still had no idea what they were going on about. Eunhyuk waved at Zhou Mi to indicate it was okay for him to say, since he was clearly bursting to do so.
“Eunhyuk knew Tablo when they were young, but they lost track of each other,” Zhou Mi said, keeping the facts to the bare minimum. “But Tablo doesn’t know yet.”
“And you can’t tell him!” Eunhyuk demanded, at the room at large, but mostly at Kyuhyun.
“Of course I won’t. But.” Kyuhyun looked utterly confused. “He doesn’t know?”
“Eunhyuk is being stubborn,” Sooyoung said, with maybe a touch more exasperation than was called for. “And Eunhyuk wants to be sure of who he is for some reason.”
“Why doesn’t he— Why don’t you just ask?” Kyuhyun asked, looking at Eunhyuk.
Zhou Mi smirked. “Because he’s trying to be all covert recognizance to make sure of who Tablo is.”
“He knows!” Sooyoung interjected.
Eunhyuk shook his head, feeling like he was caught in a storm of his own making. “I don’t know, not for sure. All I know his his legal Korean name, and that’s the same as before, too, but. I can’t find his English name.”
“Daniel?” Kyuhyun said, and all their eyes were on him immediately. Eunhyuk’s ears felt like they were ringing. He’d been so sure of Tablo’s identity. But that name, Daniel, was the last piece. The last thing he hadn’t been sure of. The last thing he’d needed to know. Kyuhyun shrugged. “It’s on his degrees. On his wall?”
Eunhyuk’s head dropped in defeat.
“All that effort and you didn’t look at his walls?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Shut up. It is him. It really is.”
But now that the secret was out in the open, he had no more reason to deny it. He skirted Zhou Mi to get closer to Kyuhyun, his thoughts whirling.
“Has he said anything about me?” And he shook his head violently, waving his hands. “No. No. I won’t stoop to that. Forget I asked.”
Kyuhyun blinked. “Okay?”
“If I ask you that, then you start thinking you have to tell me, or I jeopardize your job.”
Kyuhyun had the capacity to look amused instead of insulted, at the very least. “I’d rather be fired because I couldn’t do my job, rather than play informant, actually. But we don’t really talk much about people.”
“There’s probably not much to wonder about anyway,” Eunhyuk said, leaning back against the office wall.
“He could wonder if you’re single. Or if you and Zhou Mi are together. Or were together,” Sooyoung said.
Since Eunhyuk was looking at Kyuhyun when the question was asked, he could see Kyuhyun’s eyebrows go sky high.
“Uh. Privileged information,” Zhou Mi said with a chuckle.
Sooyoung turned and pinned Eunhyuk with a stare. “That’s exactly what he said.”
Of course, Sooyoung didn’t see the little wink Zhou Mi sent him.
“Really, we’ve been together more times than I can count,” Zhou Mi continued, stretching his arms up and behind his head in a satisfied way. “His body line is really the best, don’t don’t you think?”
“I see why you two are friends,” she said, a slight pout marring her fading triumph.
Eunhyuk patted her head. “You’re not the first one to wonder.”
He nearly had his hand taken off as she swatted back at him.
“I have a question, though,” Zhou Mi said, ignoring the fighting and considering Kyuhyun, who was still frozen in the doorway. “And you don’t have to answer. But since you know him better than we do, do you think he’d be happy to find out who Eunhyuk is?”
It took a moment, Kyuhyun’s eyebrows drawing together a bit. Almost like a held breath between them all. “I’d like to think so.”
And at Kyuhyun’s thoughtful answer, Zhou Mi looked back at him and nodded. “Then I won’t ask you again. You know for sure now. You can take the opportunity you have.”
Right. It was all up to him. Not an ounce of pressure in that at all. But Kyuhyun nodded at him, in a show of support. Sooyoung gave him two thumbs up. And Zhou Mi was beaming at him.
His own little cheerleading squad.
And it was still better than it ever had been, holding the secret alone.
***
He saw her in his dreams again, the woman from his nightmare. The woman who he knew was dead. He couldn’t help the whimper, wanting to squirm away. Just seeing her sitting there, like he knew her. Like she was waiting for someone to help her.
But he knew no one could. He saw the images of her funeral so clearly in his head.
The lone streetlight above her only seemed to highlight how alone she looked. Staring into the street near where she died with her purse near her feet. Staring nearly at him, from where he sat across the street from her. The cold of the stone beneath him seeping into his bones.
And Zhou Mi cried out, impact against his knees sending panic through him. But even as he reached to push, the boy looked up at him. The woman’s son. All of his weight on Zhou Mi’s legs where he’d flopped, and a hopeful, teary smile looking up at Zhou Mi.
“Will you help my mommy?”
“I don’t know how,” Zhou Mi said. But how he wished he did. He’d written down every detail he could remember. The problem was, he hadn’t seen the killer. She hadn’t said anything. And the police knew already where she’d been killed. He knew nothing to help them. His snapshot of the crime was as useless as a picture of a carrot was to a hungry person.
“Help her!” the child said again, and ran back across the deserted street to sit with his mother.
Zhou Mi woke, keening tears into his pillow.
***
The office dynamic was continually swirling. Zhou Mi had been content, if harried, with two of them. And content again with three. As for Eunhyuk, knowing what had motivated him even more so to find them an assistant, colored his thoughts for a few days. And it had nothing to do with Kyuhyun, who seemed to be easier around them by the second, joining in their teasing. But he considered if he would have done the same thing as Eunhyuk. Secrets had never really been his strongest asset in life. He loved sharing, and gleeing or worrying with someone else. But there were so many unknowns, so many years of wondering, that he could understand that Eunhyuk had wanted to try to do it himself first. It wasn’t a judgement on Zhou Mi’s fitness as his friend, more a judgement on Eunhyuk’s expectations for himself.
And eating together that night, hugging again, had put the most of it to rights. It didn’t stop him from worrying about how Eunhyuk would fix the situation and tell Tablo himself. Keeping his nose out of that kind of business was hard enough when it was Eunhyuk, and he could see all the hope and conflict darting all over the familiar face.
It was only bad timing, that had Zhou Mi’s monthly “outing” falling just a few short days later. Bad timing for a lot of things. He kept himself from glancing at the drawer that held the newspaper containing the story of an unknown woman’s death. He’d almost convinced himself that it had just been a story he’d heard of before sleeping, because he couldn’t find an explanation otherwise that fit. He’d never had dreams before, not like that. Ones that kept coming back. Places he’d never been to. It made him jittery to focus on it for long, and he was determined to ignore it, any possibility of it.
And focus on his real problems. Considering he and Eunhyuk had managed to freak Kyuhyun out by fighting the first time, Eunhyuk had taken the afternoon off, not trusting himself to behave. He appreciated Eunhyuk’s concern. For both Zhou Mi’s physical and emotional wellbeing. Eunhyuk couldn’t approve of casual sex, even if it was one day a month.
It wasn’t as though he’d intended it to be that way. He’d dated a couple of people since his last, disastrous breakup. He had new hair and a new attitude to show for it. But he came out of it lonely, and needy. Needy for touch, for sex, for the intimacy that came with it. Needing, maybe, to know he was still desired. The first time had been a fluke. The right place, right time, right guy. Spilling into a condom in the guy’s mouth, and for once not thinking about anything.
But that wasn’t how he dealt with stuff. He could’ve gone out trawling for guys night after night. Filled the gap in himself in the least safe, least emotionally healthy way he could. The once monthly bid for sex had been a bit of a compromise. If he didn’t find someone he found suitable, he’d go home. That had only happened once. And it wasn’t as though he went exclusively for sex. He told himself that if he found someone willing to engage him in conversation exclusively instead of starting out with grinding or drinking, then he’d have been interested to sit and talk, or maybe kiss, or go on a date.
But it seemed like a lot of men were truly only out to satisfy one part of their desire. But it was a relief. Getting Heartstrings up and running, keeping it moving, growing, had taken up most of his time. The thought of adding on, cultivating, a relationship on top of what he already did made his head hurt. It was enough that he was helping others attain what he was lacking. For the short term, at least. He didn’t think he could functionally support someone’s feelings and expectations without melting down. The one night a month at least kept him feeling like he was still a man, still human. That his needs hadn’t shriveled up and disappeared.
Whether he believed he was truly good at relationships was something else entirely. There was no question if he dreamed about them, or built fantasy sand castles around them. That perfect boyfriend who wanted to listen to all his troubles, and cuddle together after a hard day, and eat at all the same places that Zhou Mi liked. Maybe even someone who could cook, and like lazy, lovely weekend mornings in bed before accompanying him to retail therapy.
Last he checked there was no build-a-boyfriend workshop. At least, not for him. But Heartstrings, he was determined, was going to be nearly that for as many people as he could help. Paying the bills, yes. But there was a love in the craft that he had held from a young age.
And that it was more than chance. More than using reason on a set of profiles and matching according to parameters. He could almost see the profiles spreading in his brain. The wants, the dislikes. The conversations he insisted on, details in voice, and character. Not always people he liked, but he didn’t have to. And it wasn’t always exact. There was no needle in his brain that pointed to the perfect mate. But those instincts had been with him as long as he could remember. A certain kind of knowing he couldn’t quite shake, tingling in the back of his mind. He had tried asking his mother, but had gotten only a concerned look and questions about his sleeping habits. His grandmother had given him a smile.
But with his high school diploma in hand, she had pulled him down so that they were face to face, holding his cheeks with beloved hands.
“You will do good things with your gifts,” she said.
And the way she looked at him, here eyes sharp and focused, waiting as though for him to understand.
“Do you mean about the—?”
She simply patted his cheeks, and walked back to his parents.
He hadn’t really understood fully, then. Hadn’t, as he went through college, and learned.
In some ways he was still learning about the things he saw, why he simply knew things, and learned to trust himself on it.
And when he went out, wandered through the crowds, he wondered if it was intuition, or just attraction, that had him making his choice.
“Hey Kyuhyun, are you busy after work tonight?” Zhou Mi asked, poking his head out of his office. He had a spare change of clothes, nice enough to go out looking for a man to spend the night with, so he figured he could leave straight from the office. But he had another errand in mind first.
“I’m free,” Kyuhyun said, turning around fully in his office chair. “Why?”
“I was thinking of checking out the restaurant you told me about, the one where your friend works? If you wanted to come with me and give me any insights.”
He noticed, not for the first time, that Kyuhyun’s mouth seemed to be perpetually curled at the corners. Like a smirk or laugh was just waiting to be teased out. But he got a nod, Kyuhyun blinking thoughtfully at him.
“Yeah. It’s been a while since I’ve been. So that sounds good.”
And Zhou Mi was content with that answer. He didn’t want to be the coercing boss. “Don’t let him know we’re coming, okay? I just want to see it how it is.”
And with Kyuhyun’s agreement, he returned back to his desk and picked up his powder compact with its little mirror, to finish getting ready.
***
