[Fic] Springtime
Jun. 12th, 2010 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coley_merrinTitle: Springtime
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Siwon/Hankyung
Summary: Han Geng searches for a better life, for him and his daughter. A change in country, a change in career. A change in management, and also love.
The last of the request fics. <3
***
This child had been abandoned by her mother, this child of his friend. Before the child’s birth, they had lost her father, and the only two left to mourn had been himself and the small girl’s mother. And now she had gone, too. Leaving behind only a note that they should leave the child with Han Geng, that she could not care for her.
And when the baby was placed in his arms, not two days old, he knew she was his. Not because they shared any blood, because they did not, and not even for the way her round cheek flattened against his arm. She just curled there in his arms like a small jewel, hands flexing and hazy, baby eyes blinking at him. Chunhua. She had been denied knowledge of her father, and abandoned by her mother. In a world that cared less, he could have left her, told them he could not bring her up. But the memory of his friend calling her his tiny star, would never have let him. Even if his conscience would have. He settled the hospital bills, and walked into the world with the child tucked securely in her carrying seat. There were forms, endless ones, to fill out, for her to be his for real, but he did not mind them. Sometimes it was hard, looking out at the huge planet, to know that it was so large. But for a little while, as she nursed so solemnly at her bottle, the world was very small.
He took off all the time he dared to be with her. A neighbor lady he trusted watching her some of the time he was at work, or a young babysitter the rest of the time. Paying them cut severely into his salary, but he had no other option. He looked every day for jobs that would pay more, allow him to work less and to give her more, so that he could spend a little more time with her gummy smile.
It was that search that took him to Korea.
***
The morning had not gone as he had planned. The juice he had set out for Chunhua had spilled over the shirt he had planned to wear, but thankfully he had had a backup. She had slept well through the night, and at two was generally a good traveller. But still, he didn’t want to take his chances. And though he had scheduled the babysitter to show up to their temporary room a half an hour early, and though he had called several times, she still had not shown up. And so out the door he went with his still half asleep daughter, on the way to the interview he never expected to get in the first place.
And she was having a small meltdown in the waiting room. She should have been going down for a nap, not sitting with him.
“Please don’t cry, sweetheart,” he said, trying to cuddle her, sing under his breath to her, anything to calm her.
“You two okay?” a voice said, and he glanced up to see a handsome man sitting down beside him.
“Fine, really I just have an interview here today, and my babysitter didn’t show up, and I had no other place to leave her,” he blurted to the total stranger.
“Wait one second,” the man said, disappearing into another room before coming back with a small lollipop. “Is it okay if she has this?”
“Oh. Yes.”
She sniffled as the man tore off the wrapper and offered it to her with a smile. “Would candy make you feel better?” the man asked, and Han Geng translated for her.
“Yes,” Chunhua answered with a hitch in her voice, her pudgy toddler hand wrapping around the stick.
“Say thank you,” Han Geng urged her.
Of course, he was satisfied when she ducked her head against his chest and went to work on the candy. As long as she didn’t smear it over his last clean dress shirt.
“Thank you. I should have had something like that, but I really didn’t know…”
“It’s all right. These things happen. And your wife couldn’t…?”
“I am raising my friend’s child. So it is just me. Really, thank you for your trouble.”
“You’re welcome. Well, I have to be getting back. Good luck with your interview,” the man said, laying his hand on Han Geng’s shoulder. And as he walked away, he waved until he got a shy wave from Chunhua as well.
***
Han Geng entertained the thought that the man who had given her a lollipop might be the person he was interviewing with for all of about ten seconds. Then he cursed his overactive imagination. Life just wouldn’t be like that to him, especially since he had apparently lost control of his mouth and started melting down with her.
What else explained him blurting out information like that? He hadn’t had anyone to talk to, besides her, so it was no wonder he took the first captive ear as his listening post.
“Mr. Choi will see you now,” the smiling, middle-aged man told him. And gave kind of a curious look to the purple-clad toddler who seemed to be wanting to squeeze his neck in two.
Mr. Choi, Siwon Choi, the man who stood and greeted him was indeed tall. His features masculine, hair well-cut. Suit sharp. And absolutely the man Han Geng had seen before. His stomach took a sharp right turn. What expectations did he really have for today, anyway? Perhaps all his troubles were trying to tell him something.
“Please, sit. I promise you this won’t last long.”
The man was so pleasant, Han Geng thought. Women would be streaming after him. Genial, lollipop-handing-out men didn’t just come popping up on street corners. But no matter the attributes of his interview, it was almost enough that he had gotten this interview itself. When he had applied, he had assumed he had no shot. Even with all the other applications and interviews he had had over the past week, getting the call to schedule this one had almost made him give into impulse and splurge on a more extravagant dinner just in celebration of the thought of the job.
He sat as Siwon motioned him to, letting Chunhua have her stuffed dog to amuse herself. It wouldn’t last long, Siwon had said. Because he had already ruined his chances or because there had not been much chance to begin with?
“I think then, that you are hoping for this job because you are wanting to provide for your daughter?” Siwon ventured.
It was kind of a strange question to lead with. But Han Geng responded in the only self-promoting way he could conjure.
“Also, because it is a job I think I can do well. I wouldn’t have applied if I didn’t think that.”
Siwon’s mouth curled. “No, I think you’re right. I liked the look of your resume, which is why you got called to come in. I like the thought of having another Mandarin speaker on staff, and that you are a native speaker is all the better. We take very good care of our workers and their families. You would never have to look far for responsible and safe care for your daughter. Are you planning to make this stay long term?”
“Yes. For both of us. I’ve already begun teaching her Korean so she won’t get picked on in school.”
Siwon pitched him a few business-related questions, which he answered to the best of his ability. That was more like he had expected. Impersonal, business decision. Siwon would smile, let him know that he was being considered even if he wasn’t, and he could go find them something to eat before putting her down for a much-needed nap.
“As companies expand into China, you will have opportunities,” Siwon said. “I think you have perseverance and good humor. And that makes you a good fit in almost any place. I don’t have to consult the board on this hiring, so I feel comfortable in saying that the job is yours, if you want it.”
His mind glazed as Siwon quoted him a salary that was roughly double what he had been making before, and including a stipend for childcare. And they would also help him to find a place to live, close, to reduce unnecessary commuting times.
“Han Geng?” Siwon said gently.
And he jolted, realizing he had spaced out, and that his daughter had passed out in his arms.
“Yes. Yes, I accept. Very much. Yes.”
Siwon stood and came around the desk, because Han Geng seemed for that moment incapable of standing, so they could seal their verbal dealing with a handshake. At least until the contracts could be drawn.
He realized that tonight, they could indeed splurge a little. Just a little, because he had no idea how much the payment on the new apartment would be. Until he got his first paycheck, at which point, they would both eat like royalty. For a night at least.
***
The move to the new apartment, the finding of a reliable nanny, went smoother than he could have expected. The boxes of their things were easily moved, Chunhua’s toys and clothes, the general supplies he had gathered. He had just enough money left over from paying the rent to get them some furniture - mainly, a bed for her, and a mattress for the floor for him. Siwon had offered him an advance, which he had declined. They would live within their means for now, and start as they meant to continue.
His business section was headed up directly by Siwon. So in essence, Siwon was both his boss and supervisor. Of course, his office wasn’t nearly as grand as Siwon’s, more or less a little closet down the hallway, but it had a desk and a chair, phone and computer. So though his first week there was training, mostly from others in the same section, he did have several meetings with Siwon himself. Some with others, and one alone, just to kind of get him up to speed on everything the company was trying to accomplish, as well as their section of it. Mostly focused on global sales, he was added to the Asian market, rather than any of the English speaking ones, which kind of made his head hurt. Still, he made note to himself that it wouldn’t be bad to learn a little.
And as for Siwon himself, he had decided that he was some kind of idiot indeed. He had to have been stressed to the maximum that day he had interviewed, because he had had to spend a decent ten minutes with himself in his office wondering how he had missed, exactly, that his boss was the best looking man he’d had the pleasure of seeing in person in…Just about ever. Of course, he’d also slapped himself. Because this was the best opportunity he’d had ever in his life, career-wise. And screwing it up by lusting after his boss, and the boss’s shoulders, and the boss’s dimples, didn’t make any sense at all. He had a real chance to make a better life for them, and not only just for Chunhua, but also for his mother. And even though he had begged her to come with him, she had refused. He had just been lucky to go with her blessings.
So he paid for care of his daughter with his first paycheck, and sent some of it home to his mother. All in all, his first month went smoothly. Team meetings, drafting emails and running reports. All the little drudgeries of a job. Meetings alone with Siwon were interesting because Siwon didn’t stay behind his desk, he came out to sit beside Han Geng in one of the plush chairs so they were working virtually elbow to elbow at times. And when he counted up the number of hours actually spent in Siwon’s office either alone or with others, it equaled almost one full workday. One full workday talking to Siwon or listening to him speak. He blamed the dreams on that fact, the little dreams that made him wake sweaty in the middle of the night. Not all of them were dirty, no. Some of them were gentle, Siwon sitting beside him, offering candy, playing with Chunhua and her toys. Some of them were just full of hugs. Some… He closed his eyes. Some of them he wanted more than others. The ones where Siwon fired him because he found out about those dreams were officially banished from reality. Because disgust was not the emotion he wanted to cross Siwon’s handsome face. Approval for a job well done was what he wanted. Or at least needed, for the time being.
***
It was not unusual that they got to play couriers every so often, taking documents to another location. They could’ve hired someone to do it, but Siwon said sometimes it was just good to get out of the office every so often. And it wasn’t like they had to go all over the country. He’d been told the average trip was about 30 minutes. His lasted barely more than that. He got the papers delivered on time, and was almost to his car to drive back when his phone rang.
“Your nanny just dropped off your daughter,” his coworker said sharply in his ear. “You should hurry back!”
He stared at his phone. What?
He all but sprinted up the stairs rather than wait for the elevator to get to his floor, panting sharply as he bee-lined for his office. Trying to get ahold of his nanny had risen no one, and he just needed to find Chunhua and make sure she was okay.
“Hey!” Siwon’s assistant called. “She’s over here.”
Han Geng pivoted, heading toward Siwon’s office. “In there?”
“Yeah. You know, he has better things…”
Han Geng didn’t finish listening, stepping up to knock on the door and walk in at the invitation. He wasn’t sure what he expected to see, exactly. He assumed Chunhua was okay, but he didn’t expect to find her on the floor, surrounded by her toys, with Siwon sitting there beside her.
“Baba!” she called, gleeful, when she saw him. And, inadvertently or not, bounced one of her soft toys off of Siwon’s head. He winced. Clearly why hard toys weren’t allowed for a while until her aim was perfected. He dropped to his knees and cuddled her up to him, finally feeling some relief just to be holding her.
“Hi, baby,” he whispered into her hair. And then looked up to Siwon. “Is she okay? Why was she left here?”
“The nanny had an emergency,” Siwon said. “Her father had been taken to the hospital, so she brought her here to leave with you. It was just bad luck that you had gone out.”
“I’m sorry for inconveniencing you,” he blurted. Not there much longer than a month, and already making trouble for his boss?
Siwon just smiled and shrugged. “We had fun,” he said in Mandarin, getting Chunhua to slap his hand.
“Fun!” she echoed, trying to scoot against Han Geng’s hold to get back down to her toys.
“No, baby, we have to go. We can take your toys.”
“Shi!” she said, and reached for Siwon, who laughed.
“I was trying to teach her my name. We got halfway there. Hey, we have a meeting this afternoon, right? Why don’t we move that up. She can play here while we work. My office has more floorspace than yours does."
Grateful didn’t really cover it. Even while he hurried back for his laptop, filling her sippy cup with water and getting her settled, he didn’t let himself think. It wasn’t until night, when they had left to go home just a little early after she had napped in his office beside him on her blanket, that he allowed it. All the mental images of her smiling at Siwon and Siwon playing with her. Siwon the boss was a good man, fair, intelligent. Siwon the man seemed like a good friend and son. Resisting those two sides of him was one thing. The Siwon who cared for his daughter was something quite complex. He couldn’t just find a box to label Siwon with, one that he could stick on a shelf to examine another day. Dreaming of kissing the man was one thing. Imagining them as their own little family was another. That Chunhua would have another person to love her, to trust? Those were dreams that haunted him, through sleep and beyond.
***
Han Geng thought that might have been the end of it, that accidental afternoon with Siwon and his daughter. The nanny’s father had been all right, and she had resumed work almost immediately, but Han Geng had not been back to work very long before he was guided into a mini-conference with all of his coworkers. But without Siwon.
“The boss is really busy,” one of them said. “You know that. We just think if you had a wife to look after your girl, you wouldn’t cause him so much trouble.”
There were various levels of agreement and offers to introduce people to him, and point him in the right direction. And it all gave him a very sick panicked feeling in the bottom of his stomach. It wasn’t like he could tell them he wasn’t interested in women. Even for the sake of Chunhua, he did not plan to marry. He would love her with everything he had, and make sure she was around his mother and her nanny, but no, he had no plans to date or marry. He escaped the meeting with excuses and quick movement away. But didn’t imagine it was the end of anything. His coworkers were definitely the meddling types.
And it did go on. Sly little digs, suggestions he find a good woman, suggestions he find a woman in China if he had to. Most of them he let go. Most of them he ignored, mostly because he had to. He just did his job and kept on going. Let them think he didn’t want a Korean woman if they wanted.
Of course, that went on until Siwon overheard one of them waylaying him in the hallway. And the frown on Siwon’s face had him floundering for internal stability. As long as he didn’t lose his job, it was all right. That was it. That was all he needed. He didn’t want to be that troublemaker.
“Was he telling you that you needed a wife?” Siwon asked.
“Well,” he started, and tried to think of a way to get out of saying why. “Just so I don’t end up bothering you again somehow.”
“Me? Is everyone getting onto you because of this?”
“Well.” Why had he not practiced lying more? “They mean the best?”
“I don’t care what they mean. They shouldn’t be talking to you about something that isn’t really their business. I was able to help, so I did. If it had been a problem, I’d have let you know myself. I hope you don’t think I asked them to say something.”
“No,” he said, glad to be on even ground again. “No, I didn’t.”
“Do you want to get married?” Siwon pressed.
“No,” he said, and hoped it did not come out too emphatic. He couldn’t exactly say, no, Siwon, you are my type, not someone who could be my wife. “The nanny is working very well. It should be easier…”
“Han Geng, if we wanted everything to be easy, we would never have children to begin with. I can say something, subtly. You could have come to me, if it was bothering you, but I’ll make sure they don’t any more, okay?”
He smiled. “Well, that’s more than I expected really. It’s… Thank you.”
“You being happy here helps you to work better. It isn’t just personal. You’re a real asset, and I hope you know that. You and your daughter.”
Siwon touched his arm, and melted him inside. He wasn’t sure what happened, but no one approached him nearly as brazenly about his marital status after that. There were the subtle jabs and suggestions, but he would never have taken it to Siwon. Most of it he could laugh off at the end of the day.
***
“No, we had two rooms,” he told the woman at the desk.
He was almost to his first year of employment, and it was his first business trip. To Beijing, with Siwon. And his daughter. That fact Siwon had insisted on, both so that Han Geng could have a little time off after their meetings were over, and so that Chunhua could see all of her family. It was only the second time he had been back, and it felt nice. Speaking his own language. Of course, of the two of them, she had far surpassed him in Korean knowledge, just by watching little cartoons and spending time with a Korean speaker. He was glad. Together, when it was just the two of them, he spoke mainly Chinese. He would not, refused to, take that from her. She would grow to know both, and he held to that.
Siwon remained some distant dream to him. Something he really did not even consider any more. It was like breathing, admiring Siwon in form and person. The little things he did for his workers, like having small parties for them and their families. He had nearly made the biggest mistake of his life at one of those parties, when he had gone to wake his sleeping daughter from the little room Siwon had said he could lay her in to sleep. The others were going and she was cranky waking up. And in fact, had fallen back asleep while he was packing her things. Siwon had offered him a drink, and when he weighed that against lifting her and her flushed cheeks again, he took the drink. And the second drink. And the third. Flushed with alcohol and relaxed, sitting near Siwon. Talking as they did not often do at work. About…everything. Maybe I should tell him I like men, he had thought, smiling warmly at Siwon’s profile. But he slapped himself out of it. No. And it was in the early morning hours by the time either of them realized. Siwon called a taxi for him when he had adamantly refused to let Siwon drive them, standing as he bundled Chunhua for the bracing, if not chilly, air. It was almost as if it had been the end of a date, as though he had ought to lean for a hug or a kiss. Instead he had thanked Siwon quite politely, getting into the taxi with some regret. There were those precious moments that he held in his hand, and they were so bright to him. But only to him.
So at the hotel, on their business trip, after a very long flight with an exhausted little girl seated between them, all he really wanted was to find his bed, and lay her down, and just enjoy the fact that he was in China. And he listened to the lady with some disbelief.
“Their reservations say only one room,” he told Siwon. “A king bed, with a child’s bed, but nothing else. And there aren’t other rooms.”
It was like a strange sort of hysteria settling onto him. If they were to drag their suitcases back out, find another hotel…
“Do you mind if I stay in with you?” Siwon asked.
Of course, they were both men. And even with his daughter, she was young and he trusted Siwon. It wasn’t like an invitation to room in some naked orgy.
“That would be fine,” he said, and let the woman know.
And it was fine. As Siwon was in the bathroom, he got Chunhua ready for bed, kissing her goodnight and getting her tucked in with her little stuffed bear. “Goodnight, sweet baby,” he said. “We’ll see Grandma soon.”
She nodded, staring up at him with trusting eyes as he sat with her until her breathing evened. Oh, to sleep so easily.
Siwon was quiet as he came out, sliding the door carefully, acknowledging that he knew Chunhua was trying to sleep. And when Han Geng had changed, he realized that Siwon had given him the side of the bed closest to the little bed. Siwon would, he thought, chuckling to himself. Oh, how appalled Siwon would be to know the way he thought of him.
“Good night,” he said, having to catch himself before he added on an endearment. It was too obvious that he only told one person good night with any regularity.
“Good night,” Siwon murmured.
When he felt the twitch of the covers on the other side, it echoed through him. And he all but pinned himself to the edge trying not to think of how close he was. He wanted to turn, stare at Siwon’s sleeping face and comfort himself with that, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t. He could not afford to bring himself any more pain.
***
But pain, and wistfulness, were all but inevitable. Watching Chunhua run to Siwon after he had set her down, demanding in the cutest way to be picked up. Siwon picked her up with a laugh, listening to her complaints and getting a toy for her. Siwon could have a wife and babies. He’d be good, and that was far too obvious. Though Chunhua had never been shy, particularly, she used both her newly learned Korean as well as her Chinese on Siwon. Even hearing her laugh at Siwon’s voice was something he’d never known. But it was not just his daughter who was under Siwon’s spell. They swapped out of the bathroom in the morning, shared shaving cream, used the same polish on their shoes. Siwon seemed to want nothing more than to lay beside him and talk about movies or books. Sharing stories about his family that had Han Geng in stitches of laughter, trying to not wake his daughter. And Siwon learned of him as well. The more he knew, the more he wanted. Watching Siwon’s fingers pick at a loose thread on the blanket’s front, or the way he bared his throat to stretch.
And for his own sanity, the way Siwon leaned too close to talk, or his habit of touching Han Geng as they walked. And he survived almost a week that way? Living in such close quarters with a man he was head over heels in lust with, not to even mention the emotional toll of holding back every single moment. And it only got harder to hide. Better rested as time went on, leaving Chunhua with a recommended day care during the days, picking her up and finding dinner afterwards. And all three of them sitting on the bed and watching some silly show that had made her giggle and roll between their legs. Sometimes she passed out there, sprawled there between them.
He ruffled her bangs a little, sharing a smile with Siwon before forcing himself to stand. It was a little too much. Too close, too intimate. Siwon said he was going for a shower, and he got Chunhua up and into her pajamas. She woke up, marginally, and he recited to her some silly rhyme, hoping she’d be able to fall back to sleep.
No one had ever told him he was smart, and he proved that, asking for Chunhua’s sippy cup that he had left in the bathroom, and into his numb hand it had been placed by a towel-clad, water-dripping Siwon. He didn’t even remember turning, just making a knock-kneed path across the hotel room to where Chunhua was whining for water. Clean thoughts. Clean thoughts. Siwon had definitely been clean. No. Not that. He’d barely grunted in response when Siwon told him the bathroom was free, getting his pajamas in jerky movements, tossing things back into his suitcase with the least frustration than he could possibly emit without imploding.
But even then, he couldn’t get away. Siwon nudged in beside him as he brushed his teeth and he wanted to scream. He fumbled with the brush, setting into its holder harder than he intended.
“Han Geng…” Siwon caught at him before he could leave the spacious bathroom. “Are you upset with me?”
From slamming his toothbrush down? Or maybe because he was radiating pent up need for something. He had no idea being this close to Siwon would be so hard. He was used to having time to decompress, to build up his shields. Not spending every waking moment with him.
“No,” he said, trying to slid his arm subtly away. “It’s just been a long week.”
Siwon looked so apologetic. “I’m sorry, I really should’ve suggested we find another hotel, so you could have your own space. I don’t have many close friends, and I enjoy spending time with both of you. So I’m sorry, if—”
“It’s fine,” he said, shaking his arm a little harder, and trying not to let Siwon’s words echo in his head. “Please, just…”
But Siwon did not let him go, grasping his other arm with an uncommon strength. “Han Geng, look at me. Please.”
How could he not, at that request? Siwon’s eyes were dark, and almost desperate. For what reason, he wondered. And, for a moment, he thought he had stumbled, as Siwon tugged him close.
Siwon’s lips were as soft as his kiss was firm, pressing into Han Geng with no little amount of force. But it did not keep him from pressing back, at first without thought, and then with some wonder. He was dreaming, he realized. He was in bed, asleep, dreaming that Siwon was kissing him, that he was angling his head to feel Siwon’s mouth more fully against his. That he was fighting to get his arm free, yes, like that, so he could sink his fingers into the richness of Siwon’s hair.
And especially that when Siwon’s arm clasped hard around his lower back, that he would gasp in wonder, opening to Siwon’s kiss, the sweetness of mint against his tongue as Siwon held him. They were so wound to each other, an arm around Siwon’s back, his neck, both of Siwon’s around him. It was a year of longing that he tried to fit into that kiss, every smile, every hand brushing his elbow over that year, every stupid dream. His lungs were burning as Siwon turned him, using the momentum of their bodies to draw him down. Knees beside Siwon’s hips, arms around his torso as Siwon held his face, pressing soft kisses to his lips and chin, and even his nose. And with a shudder, Siwon pulled him close, and for a moment, he let his face press into the warm neck.
He stared at his reflection in the glass shower that they were up against. His breath fogging the glass, lips wet from their kiss. It was real, everything. That he had been moaning in Siwon’s arms, kissing him with not want but need
“No,” Siwon protested, holding him tighter, as he tried to back away. He panted light against Siwon’s shoulder, intoxicated by the smell of him, the warmth of him. Something even the hard bathroom tiles under his knees couldn’t erase. “Han Geng, Han Geng,” he murmured, pressing kisses to Han Geng’s cheek and ear.
It sent shivers over his skin, breathing, trying to calm himself. Letting some of the tension in his back fall to Siwon’s stroking hand. How was he even going to look at him? Kissing Siwon like that. And yet, Siwon had been kissing him, too…
Slowly, Siwon turned his head. Meeting Han Geng’s eyes, gaze flickering down to his lips before raising again. Moving in for another soft kiss that had Han Geng all but clutching himself to keep a hold on his sanity.
Han Geng licked his lips and swallowed. “What way am I supposed to take that?”
Siwon’s dimples flashed. “Better than I went about it. This is why it’s so hard, for bosses to… I didn’t want to make the first move. I didn’t want… I don’t ever want you to think it’d be some kind of requirement to your employment. It’s just that I’ve wanted you.”
Wanted him? It was said so strongly, not a hint of doubt in it. And the way he was kissing Siwon right then, it was like he was telling Siwon to be quiet, that those concerns had no place between them. That he was glad.
And because he should have been quiet, he spoke. “I’ve wanted you, too.”
Siwon squeezed his shoulder. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“And risk losing my job?”
“I would never have… I thought I was so obvious. I would have done almost anything for you. Outside of work, I mean. Your job is your own, on your own merit. Never doubt that.”
“I thought it was just me,” he whispered.
“No… It’s such a bad idea, but no. It’s not just you. Seeing you so rattled that first day, getting that lollipop to help calm her down, I was attracted to you. I didn’t think there was any chance. And when they tried to tell you that you should marry?”
Han Geng swallowed a laugh. “How could I tell them I only thought of you?”
He saw that day in his head so clearly, Siwon being upset that he was being harassed about marriage. He had thought it had just been concern for an employee, because Siwon was like that, but if Siwon had been attracted to him, wanting him, then it had almost been as much for Siwon’s benefit as for his. Something very much like jealousy. Siwon touching his elbow as they talked. Inviting him to drink, at least a few times, after work. He’d always declined because of Chunhua, but if Siwon had been trying to spend more time with him?
“I thought you’d catch on for sure, with the parties. It was almost the only way to spend more time around you outside of work,” Siwon said. “I had given them before, of course, but…probably not so often. Oh, Han Geng. So much time.”
Siwon, planning ways to be around him? It was a bloom to his disbelief. How precarious it was, that of course Siwon could not have confessed. But to look back at all those moments, the way that Siwon supported him, listened to him, befriended him. To know that there were moments in there that for Siwon had meant just as much, and more. He didn’t flatter himself that Siwon had wanted him right from the start. But somewhere along the way, he had begun to.
“We were making sure,” he told Siwon. “It’s important to take it slow. To be sure.”
“Yes. There is your daughter to think of.”
“She enjoys being around you.”
Siwon smiled. “I enjoy being around her, too. I love children. I’ve… It’s been my dream to have some as well. And just seeing you with her. Getting to know your laugh. Your voice. I’ve spent a lot of time telling myself no. If you hadn’t been right for the job, maybe I would have kept your number and tried to… No, I probably wouldn’t have. But you were completely right for the job. I couldn’t have not hired you because I found you cute and wanted to date you.”
How was he supposed to respond to that? “Cute?”
He couldn’t even get out more than that before his throat kind of closed on him, face so warm that he swore it might hurt someone as Siwon whispered to him. The ways that Siwon had noticed him, and the way he had noticed him back.
“We should sleep,” Siwon said, stroking on his back.
Of course, his knees were stiff and cold from the tile as he got up off of Siwon and helped him up. He nudged into Siwon’s face as they stood, just enjoying the hold, but so ready for the warmth of the bed. He just made sure she was sleeping all right, straightening the covers, before crawling into the bed himself. And the silence was kind of stifling, wondering what Siwon was thinking. At least until he heard the noise.
He found Siwon’s hand and squeezed it, where it had been creeping across the bed toward him. Siwon gave an almost inaudible chuckle, turning toward him. He let his head rest near Siwon’s on the pillow, and for once, slept almost without effort. His only regret was that they had only two more days.
Two more days of stolen kisses, taking Chuhua to the zoo together to see the pandas, eating together. The way Siwon’s eyes would crinkle just a little when Siwon caught his eye in a meeting. Almost like he was trying to make him blush. To his credit, he only stumbled over his words a couple of times. He thought that was rather heroic in itself. And at night, knowing Chunhua was asleep, they graduated from holding hands, to holding each other. Kisses in the quiet of the room that shouted of sweetness and desire. Sleeping with Siwon’s arm over him. Siwon did not push him for more. Conscious that Chunhua was sleeping, for one thing, but also, he thought if there was one man who wanted to make sure of a relationship before leaping into bed, it was Siwon. They both thought too much, and when Siwon kissed him in the hotel room, his suitcase packed to go back to Korea, he knew there was only a guarantee that he would miss him. But there was family to see, even if it took them from Siwon.
***
Returning to work, he didn’t know what to expect. Though he was surprised to see Siwon there at the airport to pick him up, dimples flashing as he and Chuhnua came out with their bags. The dinner they had shared that night had been sweet, Chunhua getting food all over herself and Siwon’s sleeve. And he let some of the worry of their days apart sink away. Because it wasn’t going to change them, not outside of work, and not at work either. With the exception of the addition of a mid-week lunch meeting that was not clandestine or anything like that. It was simply Han Geng bringing his lunch into Siwon’s office and eating, sometimes working, through lunch. It gave them time to talk as well, not always on work topics, as any conversation tended to wind. Most of their personal conversations where held outside of work hours, talking to Siwon on the phone while he was getting dinner put on, or after Chunhua had fallen to sleep. Hearing Siwon’s chuckles even through the phone made him smile.
And the weekends were theirs. He had meant it when he said they should take it slow, and though they did meet together at Han Geng’s apartment, or at Siwon’s home, there were no overnight stays or anything questionable really at all. Having a little girl toddling around them did help to keep that resolve, but a lot of it too was just getting to know each other better. Siwon planned “dates” for them, going to the zoo or aquarium, or kid-friendly museums. And Chunhua was just that much more willing to lean into Siwon’s arms, to cuddle in his lap. She had never been particularly shy, but it was something that warmed him, that she had found someone she felt comfortable to be like that around. That she trusted Siwon, felt comfortable around him, even as Siwon himself did.
And of course they kissed, eagerly and often, when out of her sight and not in public. When he started thinking everything was totally crazy and insane, getting folded in one of Siwon’s bear hugs, being kissed with such assurance, knocked any sort of protests out of his head entirely. He’d had a year to fall into a sick and hopeless love, and it took a while to get to where he didn’t pinch himself when Siwon’s mouth curved and his lashes dropped and he looked at Han Geng with such glee in his eyes. Sometimes rather unholy glee, as he was half carried in a hug, laughing all the while.
***
He knew things were changing when Siwon showed up at his door on a work night unannounced. He had empty hands, and a set jaw, and it puzzled Han Geng. Sent panic flaring in the pit of his stomach.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, as Siwon got a hold on him, rubbing hands up and down his sides.
“I want to go to dinner with you. Just the two of us. Not tonight, but…Some night. This weekend, or…”
Siwon was through courting both him and his daughter, and was ready to take the step toward focusing on him alone? And it meant that Siwon was pressing aside his own insecurities as Han Geng’s boss, to take that step.
He could not help the smile.
“Yes. I can call the agency and find a babysitter. And we can—”
He didn’t get to finish as Siwon kissed him, long and savoring. Because his daughter was already asleep, he leaned into it, holding Siwon close. And they ended up on the couch that night, barely holding onto the edge of control as Siwon hovered over him.
“This weekend,” he said, squeezing at the back of Siwon’s neck. Some kind of promise. Siwon smiled, kissing him again before he left. And he knew neither of them were content
***
He did not tell Siwon, because it seemed like pressure, that the babysitter he had gotten for their Saturday date had been told that it was highly likely he would not be back that night. So she was prepared to stay the whole night, if necessary. He wanted it to be necessary. He wanted Siwon to pour him into that big bed and not let him out again until morning. Making out on couches like teenagers had its appeal And it wasn’t as though they hadn’t locked themselves in the bathroom in Han Geng’s apartment just to get hands in each other’s pants. Muffling moans against lips and skin, panting against each other just to stay standing.
So unless he was quite mistaken, Siwon joined him in those sentiments. He hadn’t been the only one on the couch that night carefully holding back. It wasn’t like consummating their relationship was going to be any more detrimental to their work relationship than what they already had. They weren’t going to start making out in Siwon’s office during meetings, and locking themselves in some closet. Sure, they wanted each other, but they had some restraint. And if Siwon was only out for the thrill, if getting Han Geng into bed was his only goal, then he’d accomplished that quite handily. But it wasn’t as though Siwon had invited him over for sex, they were simply going out to eat.
And it was different, because they were not at work, and there was no child with them to help with her food. He could focus directly on Siwon’s words, the way Siwon’s lips interacted with the chopsticks. The way that Siwon watched him, too. The subtle flirting with their eyes while commenting on the food. He was glad that Siwon’s influence had gotten them a mostly private booth. Let others think it was a business dinner. They knew better.
And in the privacy of the parking garage, in the dark of the car, he leaned against Siwon. Sharing another kiss, an acknowledgement of a dinner just as amazing, if not better, than he had imagined. And to share the quiet time after, finding assurances and promises in every meeting of their mouths. But it wasn’t totally comfortable, for either of them. Even in the dark, it was public, and taking too long would inevitably draw attention.
“Did you want to go back to your place for a while?” he asked, trying to be sort of casual about it.
“I would very much like to,” Siwon said, squeezing him. “I just don’t think we should. I think if I got you there, it’d be hard for me to let you back out. The babysitter would think you’d gotten run over somewhere.”
“No,” Han Geng said, smiling at him. Siwon, even thoughtful. He was glad to have a forethought of his own to share. “At least not until morning. I settled her in for the night just in… Just in case.”
He had never seen Siwon’s eyes so wide. “Han Geng…”
“Siwon.”
Okay. That was beyond sappy as Siwon kissed him and they laughed together like excited teenagers getting around their parents’ rules.
Not, he thought, that many teenagers had stripped each other naked almost by the time the bedroom door was closed. Stripping Siwon from his tie had been his pleasure, as Siwon’s outer door closed behind them. Lips curving as Siwon had both his hands fisted in Han Geng’s shirt, as though he were sure what to do to get it off. It made his heart yearn as Siwon kissed him, a dirty assault as they staggered unsteadily, step by step toward Siwon’s bedroom. Sucking on Siwon’s neck as they wrestled with pants. Siwon’s looks certainly had been a draw, the idea of six feet of toned, prime male stretching out on top of him certainly had fired his blood more than once. But it was obvious, as Siwon helped him with his shirt, that he enjoyed every inch of skin he bared as well. He couldn’t help but be proud in that.
But as Siwon reached, to touch him as they stood, bumping knees as Siwon molested his neck, he stopped Siwon’s hand.
“You want to have sex?” he asked Siwon, rather bluntly, and getting a non-response. “If you do, you won’t touch me now.”
Siwon’s eyes were dark, meeting his as the last of their clothes were shed.
“Then we should get on the bed,” Siwon said. And the timbre of his voice left nothing to Han Geng’s imagination.
All he knew was that he wanted, as they gasped, moaned, in time with each other. He’d been fantasizing, to some extent, for over a year. And for weeks, knowing they would be ending up here. But none of his sessions in the shower could have prepared him for Siwon kissing him as he slid inside him, or the way their skin slid together. It wasn’t like he was some kind of virgin, but he didn’t think he had ever been with someone he wanted that much. And that it was him that made Siwon’s breathing stutter as he moved up into Siwon’s thrust. It was Siwon who thought of him and his pleasure, even as Siwon’s own was fading. It was only him who got to stroke the sweaty back as he let his trembling thighs relax. His whole body was drifting in clouds as little ribbons of rainbows floated by. He wondered what Siwon would think if he started writing his reports in purple ink. Probably not anything good.
Siwon looked similarly goofy as they lay facing each other. Siwon who was kind to children and was so genuinely, almost unbelievably his.
“Han Geng,” Siwon said, dropping to press a kiss to his shoulder. It made him feel loved.
***
It was Siwon’s hand that Chunhua held as she told them of her first day at school, and Siwon who she begged to chase away the monsters beneath her bed. He had given Siwon, then, part of both of their hearts. And in return, Siwon had given them part of his home. The lazy cat that slept in her room, and the trips to China, for the three of them. Siwon’s position in the company had changed, so they did not see each other quite as much. All for the better, because it reduced the chance for gossip, Siwon had said. It wasn’t as though they had advertised the fact that Han Geng had moved in with Siwon, but at the first gathering at Siwon’s home, it had been quite obvious. He heard the gossip, and saw the curious stares, but no one confronted him directly. A perk, he supposed, of living with one of the rising stars of the company. No one would accuse Siwon without proof, because who could prove they were any more than friends?
Even though they didn’t work together as closely, the lunch meeting, that they never got rid of. So Siwon’s conflict as his boss had disappeared, and his conflict on who got to fold the socks began. Every bit of it was steps on a journey, he thought. Either way, he had found something precious. Something he had no intention of letting go of. Maybe Siwon had not known how deep his affection had been, but as he traced the grinning, satisfied face beneath him, he had no doubt that they had found out together.
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Siwon/Hankyung
Summary: Han Geng searches for a better life, for him and his daughter. A change in country, a change in career. A change in management, and also love.
The last of the request fics. <3
***
This child had been abandoned by her mother, this child of his friend. Before the child’s birth, they had lost her father, and the only two left to mourn had been himself and the small girl’s mother. And now she had gone, too. Leaving behind only a note that they should leave the child with Han Geng, that she could not care for her.
And when the baby was placed in his arms, not two days old, he knew she was his. Not because they shared any blood, because they did not, and not even for the way her round cheek flattened against his arm. She just curled there in his arms like a small jewel, hands flexing and hazy, baby eyes blinking at him. Chunhua. She had been denied knowledge of her father, and abandoned by her mother. In a world that cared less, he could have left her, told them he could not bring her up. But the memory of his friend calling her his tiny star, would never have let him. Even if his conscience would have. He settled the hospital bills, and walked into the world with the child tucked securely in her carrying seat. There were forms, endless ones, to fill out, for her to be his for real, but he did not mind them. Sometimes it was hard, looking out at the huge planet, to know that it was so large. But for a little while, as she nursed so solemnly at her bottle, the world was very small.
He took off all the time he dared to be with her. A neighbor lady he trusted watching her some of the time he was at work, or a young babysitter the rest of the time. Paying them cut severely into his salary, but he had no other option. He looked every day for jobs that would pay more, allow him to work less and to give her more, so that he could spend a little more time with her gummy smile.
It was that search that took him to Korea.
***
The morning had not gone as he had planned. The juice he had set out for Chunhua had spilled over the shirt he had planned to wear, but thankfully he had had a backup. She had slept well through the night, and at two was generally a good traveller. But still, he didn’t want to take his chances. And though he had scheduled the babysitter to show up to their temporary room a half an hour early, and though he had called several times, she still had not shown up. And so out the door he went with his still half asleep daughter, on the way to the interview he never expected to get in the first place.
And she was having a small meltdown in the waiting room. She should have been going down for a nap, not sitting with him.
“Please don’t cry, sweetheart,” he said, trying to cuddle her, sing under his breath to her, anything to calm her.
“You two okay?” a voice said, and he glanced up to see a handsome man sitting down beside him.
“Fine, really I just have an interview here today, and my babysitter didn’t show up, and I had no other place to leave her,” he blurted to the total stranger.
“Wait one second,” the man said, disappearing into another room before coming back with a small lollipop. “Is it okay if she has this?”
“Oh. Yes.”
She sniffled as the man tore off the wrapper and offered it to her with a smile. “Would candy make you feel better?” the man asked, and Han Geng translated for her.
“Yes,” Chunhua answered with a hitch in her voice, her pudgy toddler hand wrapping around the stick.
“Say thank you,” Han Geng urged her.
Of course, he was satisfied when she ducked her head against his chest and went to work on the candy. As long as she didn’t smear it over his last clean dress shirt.
“Thank you. I should have had something like that, but I really didn’t know…”
“It’s all right. These things happen. And your wife couldn’t…?”
“I am raising my friend’s child. So it is just me. Really, thank you for your trouble.”
“You’re welcome. Well, I have to be getting back. Good luck with your interview,” the man said, laying his hand on Han Geng’s shoulder. And as he walked away, he waved until he got a shy wave from Chunhua as well.
***
Han Geng entertained the thought that the man who had given her a lollipop might be the person he was interviewing with for all of about ten seconds. Then he cursed his overactive imagination. Life just wouldn’t be like that to him, especially since he had apparently lost control of his mouth and started melting down with her.
What else explained him blurting out information like that? He hadn’t had anyone to talk to, besides her, so it was no wonder he took the first captive ear as his listening post.
“Mr. Choi will see you now,” the smiling, middle-aged man told him. And gave kind of a curious look to the purple-clad toddler who seemed to be wanting to squeeze his neck in two.
Mr. Choi, Siwon Choi, the man who stood and greeted him was indeed tall. His features masculine, hair well-cut. Suit sharp. And absolutely the man Han Geng had seen before. His stomach took a sharp right turn. What expectations did he really have for today, anyway? Perhaps all his troubles were trying to tell him something.
“Please, sit. I promise you this won’t last long.”
The man was so pleasant, Han Geng thought. Women would be streaming after him. Genial, lollipop-handing-out men didn’t just come popping up on street corners. But no matter the attributes of his interview, it was almost enough that he had gotten this interview itself. When he had applied, he had assumed he had no shot. Even with all the other applications and interviews he had had over the past week, getting the call to schedule this one had almost made him give into impulse and splurge on a more extravagant dinner just in celebration of the thought of the job.
He sat as Siwon motioned him to, letting Chunhua have her stuffed dog to amuse herself. It wouldn’t last long, Siwon had said. Because he had already ruined his chances or because there had not been much chance to begin with?
“I think then, that you are hoping for this job because you are wanting to provide for your daughter?” Siwon ventured.
It was kind of a strange question to lead with. But Han Geng responded in the only self-promoting way he could conjure.
“Also, because it is a job I think I can do well. I wouldn’t have applied if I didn’t think that.”
Siwon’s mouth curled. “No, I think you’re right. I liked the look of your resume, which is why you got called to come in. I like the thought of having another Mandarin speaker on staff, and that you are a native speaker is all the better. We take very good care of our workers and their families. You would never have to look far for responsible and safe care for your daughter. Are you planning to make this stay long term?”
“Yes. For both of us. I’ve already begun teaching her Korean so she won’t get picked on in school.”
Siwon pitched him a few business-related questions, which he answered to the best of his ability. That was more like he had expected. Impersonal, business decision. Siwon would smile, let him know that he was being considered even if he wasn’t, and he could go find them something to eat before putting her down for a much-needed nap.
“As companies expand into China, you will have opportunities,” Siwon said. “I think you have perseverance and good humor. And that makes you a good fit in almost any place. I don’t have to consult the board on this hiring, so I feel comfortable in saying that the job is yours, if you want it.”
His mind glazed as Siwon quoted him a salary that was roughly double what he had been making before, and including a stipend for childcare. And they would also help him to find a place to live, close, to reduce unnecessary commuting times.
“Han Geng?” Siwon said gently.
And he jolted, realizing he had spaced out, and that his daughter had passed out in his arms.
“Yes. Yes, I accept. Very much. Yes.”
Siwon stood and came around the desk, because Han Geng seemed for that moment incapable of standing, so they could seal their verbal dealing with a handshake. At least until the contracts could be drawn.
He realized that tonight, they could indeed splurge a little. Just a little, because he had no idea how much the payment on the new apartment would be. Until he got his first paycheck, at which point, they would both eat like royalty. For a night at least.
***
The move to the new apartment, the finding of a reliable nanny, went smoother than he could have expected. The boxes of their things were easily moved, Chunhua’s toys and clothes, the general supplies he had gathered. He had just enough money left over from paying the rent to get them some furniture - mainly, a bed for her, and a mattress for the floor for him. Siwon had offered him an advance, which he had declined. They would live within their means for now, and start as they meant to continue.
His business section was headed up directly by Siwon. So in essence, Siwon was both his boss and supervisor. Of course, his office wasn’t nearly as grand as Siwon’s, more or less a little closet down the hallway, but it had a desk and a chair, phone and computer. So though his first week there was training, mostly from others in the same section, he did have several meetings with Siwon himself. Some with others, and one alone, just to kind of get him up to speed on everything the company was trying to accomplish, as well as their section of it. Mostly focused on global sales, he was added to the Asian market, rather than any of the English speaking ones, which kind of made his head hurt. Still, he made note to himself that it wouldn’t be bad to learn a little.
And as for Siwon himself, he had decided that he was some kind of idiot indeed. He had to have been stressed to the maximum that day he had interviewed, because he had had to spend a decent ten minutes with himself in his office wondering how he had missed, exactly, that his boss was the best looking man he’d had the pleasure of seeing in person in…Just about ever. Of course, he’d also slapped himself. Because this was the best opportunity he’d had ever in his life, career-wise. And screwing it up by lusting after his boss, and the boss’s shoulders, and the boss’s dimples, didn’t make any sense at all. He had a real chance to make a better life for them, and not only just for Chunhua, but also for his mother. And even though he had begged her to come with him, she had refused. He had just been lucky to go with her blessings.
So he paid for care of his daughter with his first paycheck, and sent some of it home to his mother. All in all, his first month went smoothly. Team meetings, drafting emails and running reports. All the little drudgeries of a job. Meetings alone with Siwon were interesting because Siwon didn’t stay behind his desk, he came out to sit beside Han Geng in one of the plush chairs so they were working virtually elbow to elbow at times. And when he counted up the number of hours actually spent in Siwon’s office either alone or with others, it equaled almost one full workday. One full workday talking to Siwon or listening to him speak. He blamed the dreams on that fact, the little dreams that made him wake sweaty in the middle of the night. Not all of them were dirty, no. Some of them were gentle, Siwon sitting beside him, offering candy, playing with Chunhua and her toys. Some of them were just full of hugs. Some… He closed his eyes. Some of them he wanted more than others. The ones where Siwon fired him because he found out about those dreams were officially banished from reality. Because disgust was not the emotion he wanted to cross Siwon’s handsome face. Approval for a job well done was what he wanted. Or at least needed, for the time being.
***
It was not unusual that they got to play couriers every so often, taking documents to another location. They could’ve hired someone to do it, but Siwon said sometimes it was just good to get out of the office every so often. And it wasn’t like they had to go all over the country. He’d been told the average trip was about 30 minutes. His lasted barely more than that. He got the papers delivered on time, and was almost to his car to drive back when his phone rang.
“Your nanny just dropped off your daughter,” his coworker said sharply in his ear. “You should hurry back!”
He stared at his phone. What?
He all but sprinted up the stairs rather than wait for the elevator to get to his floor, panting sharply as he bee-lined for his office. Trying to get ahold of his nanny had risen no one, and he just needed to find Chunhua and make sure she was okay.
“Hey!” Siwon’s assistant called. “She’s over here.”
Han Geng pivoted, heading toward Siwon’s office. “In there?”
“Yeah. You know, he has better things…”
Han Geng didn’t finish listening, stepping up to knock on the door and walk in at the invitation. He wasn’t sure what he expected to see, exactly. He assumed Chunhua was okay, but he didn’t expect to find her on the floor, surrounded by her toys, with Siwon sitting there beside her.
“Baba!” she called, gleeful, when she saw him. And, inadvertently or not, bounced one of her soft toys off of Siwon’s head. He winced. Clearly why hard toys weren’t allowed for a while until her aim was perfected. He dropped to his knees and cuddled her up to him, finally feeling some relief just to be holding her.
“Hi, baby,” he whispered into her hair. And then looked up to Siwon. “Is she okay? Why was she left here?”
“The nanny had an emergency,” Siwon said. “Her father had been taken to the hospital, so she brought her here to leave with you. It was just bad luck that you had gone out.”
“I’m sorry for inconveniencing you,” he blurted. Not there much longer than a month, and already making trouble for his boss?
Siwon just smiled and shrugged. “We had fun,” he said in Mandarin, getting Chunhua to slap his hand.
“Fun!” she echoed, trying to scoot against Han Geng’s hold to get back down to her toys.
“No, baby, we have to go. We can take your toys.”
“Shi!” she said, and reached for Siwon, who laughed.
“I was trying to teach her my name. We got halfway there. Hey, we have a meeting this afternoon, right? Why don’t we move that up. She can play here while we work. My office has more floorspace than yours does."
Grateful didn’t really cover it. Even while he hurried back for his laptop, filling her sippy cup with water and getting her settled, he didn’t let himself think. It wasn’t until night, when they had left to go home just a little early after she had napped in his office beside him on her blanket, that he allowed it. All the mental images of her smiling at Siwon and Siwon playing with her. Siwon the boss was a good man, fair, intelligent. Siwon the man seemed like a good friend and son. Resisting those two sides of him was one thing. The Siwon who cared for his daughter was something quite complex. He couldn’t just find a box to label Siwon with, one that he could stick on a shelf to examine another day. Dreaming of kissing the man was one thing. Imagining them as their own little family was another. That Chunhua would have another person to love her, to trust? Those were dreams that haunted him, through sleep and beyond.
***
Han Geng thought that might have been the end of it, that accidental afternoon with Siwon and his daughter. The nanny’s father had been all right, and she had resumed work almost immediately, but Han Geng had not been back to work very long before he was guided into a mini-conference with all of his coworkers. But without Siwon.
“The boss is really busy,” one of them said. “You know that. We just think if you had a wife to look after your girl, you wouldn’t cause him so much trouble.”
There were various levels of agreement and offers to introduce people to him, and point him in the right direction. And it all gave him a very sick panicked feeling in the bottom of his stomach. It wasn’t like he could tell them he wasn’t interested in women. Even for the sake of Chunhua, he did not plan to marry. He would love her with everything he had, and make sure she was around his mother and her nanny, but no, he had no plans to date or marry. He escaped the meeting with excuses and quick movement away. But didn’t imagine it was the end of anything. His coworkers were definitely the meddling types.
And it did go on. Sly little digs, suggestions he find a good woman, suggestions he find a woman in China if he had to. Most of them he let go. Most of them he ignored, mostly because he had to. He just did his job and kept on going. Let them think he didn’t want a Korean woman if they wanted.
Of course, that went on until Siwon overheard one of them waylaying him in the hallway. And the frown on Siwon’s face had him floundering for internal stability. As long as he didn’t lose his job, it was all right. That was it. That was all he needed. He didn’t want to be that troublemaker.
“Was he telling you that you needed a wife?” Siwon asked.
“Well,” he started, and tried to think of a way to get out of saying why. “Just so I don’t end up bothering you again somehow.”
“Me? Is everyone getting onto you because of this?”
“Well.” Why had he not practiced lying more? “They mean the best?”
“I don’t care what they mean. They shouldn’t be talking to you about something that isn’t really their business. I was able to help, so I did. If it had been a problem, I’d have let you know myself. I hope you don’t think I asked them to say something.”
“No,” he said, glad to be on even ground again. “No, I didn’t.”
“Do you want to get married?” Siwon pressed.
“No,” he said, and hoped it did not come out too emphatic. He couldn’t exactly say, no, Siwon, you are my type, not someone who could be my wife. “The nanny is working very well. It should be easier…”
“Han Geng, if we wanted everything to be easy, we would never have children to begin with. I can say something, subtly. You could have come to me, if it was bothering you, but I’ll make sure they don’t any more, okay?”
He smiled. “Well, that’s more than I expected really. It’s… Thank you.”
“You being happy here helps you to work better. It isn’t just personal. You’re a real asset, and I hope you know that. You and your daughter.”
Siwon touched his arm, and melted him inside. He wasn’t sure what happened, but no one approached him nearly as brazenly about his marital status after that. There were the subtle jabs and suggestions, but he would never have taken it to Siwon. Most of it he could laugh off at the end of the day.
***
“No, we had two rooms,” he told the woman at the desk.
He was almost to his first year of employment, and it was his first business trip. To Beijing, with Siwon. And his daughter. That fact Siwon had insisted on, both so that Han Geng could have a little time off after their meetings were over, and so that Chunhua could see all of her family. It was only the second time he had been back, and it felt nice. Speaking his own language. Of course, of the two of them, she had far surpassed him in Korean knowledge, just by watching little cartoons and spending time with a Korean speaker. He was glad. Together, when it was just the two of them, he spoke mainly Chinese. He would not, refused to, take that from her. She would grow to know both, and he held to that.
Siwon remained some distant dream to him. Something he really did not even consider any more. It was like breathing, admiring Siwon in form and person. The little things he did for his workers, like having small parties for them and their families. He had nearly made the biggest mistake of his life at one of those parties, when he had gone to wake his sleeping daughter from the little room Siwon had said he could lay her in to sleep. The others were going and she was cranky waking up. And in fact, had fallen back asleep while he was packing her things. Siwon had offered him a drink, and when he weighed that against lifting her and her flushed cheeks again, he took the drink. And the second drink. And the third. Flushed with alcohol and relaxed, sitting near Siwon. Talking as they did not often do at work. About…everything. Maybe I should tell him I like men, he had thought, smiling warmly at Siwon’s profile. But he slapped himself out of it. No. And it was in the early morning hours by the time either of them realized. Siwon called a taxi for him when he had adamantly refused to let Siwon drive them, standing as he bundled Chunhua for the bracing, if not chilly, air. It was almost as if it had been the end of a date, as though he had ought to lean for a hug or a kiss. Instead he had thanked Siwon quite politely, getting into the taxi with some regret. There were those precious moments that he held in his hand, and they were so bright to him. But only to him.
So at the hotel, on their business trip, after a very long flight with an exhausted little girl seated between them, all he really wanted was to find his bed, and lay her down, and just enjoy the fact that he was in China. And he listened to the lady with some disbelief.
“Their reservations say only one room,” he told Siwon. “A king bed, with a child’s bed, but nothing else. And there aren’t other rooms.”
It was like a strange sort of hysteria settling onto him. If they were to drag their suitcases back out, find another hotel…
“Do you mind if I stay in with you?” Siwon asked.
Of course, they were both men. And even with his daughter, she was young and he trusted Siwon. It wasn’t like an invitation to room in some naked orgy.
“That would be fine,” he said, and let the woman know.
And it was fine. As Siwon was in the bathroom, he got Chunhua ready for bed, kissing her goodnight and getting her tucked in with her little stuffed bear. “Goodnight, sweet baby,” he said. “We’ll see Grandma soon.”
She nodded, staring up at him with trusting eyes as he sat with her until her breathing evened. Oh, to sleep so easily.
Siwon was quiet as he came out, sliding the door carefully, acknowledging that he knew Chunhua was trying to sleep. And when Han Geng had changed, he realized that Siwon had given him the side of the bed closest to the little bed. Siwon would, he thought, chuckling to himself. Oh, how appalled Siwon would be to know the way he thought of him.
“Good night,” he said, having to catch himself before he added on an endearment. It was too obvious that he only told one person good night with any regularity.
“Good night,” Siwon murmured.
When he felt the twitch of the covers on the other side, it echoed through him. And he all but pinned himself to the edge trying not to think of how close he was. He wanted to turn, stare at Siwon’s sleeping face and comfort himself with that, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t. He could not afford to bring himself any more pain.
***
But pain, and wistfulness, were all but inevitable. Watching Chunhua run to Siwon after he had set her down, demanding in the cutest way to be picked up. Siwon picked her up with a laugh, listening to her complaints and getting a toy for her. Siwon could have a wife and babies. He’d be good, and that was far too obvious. Though Chunhua had never been shy, particularly, she used both her newly learned Korean as well as her Chinese on Siwon. Even hearing her laugh at Siwon’s voice was something he’d never known. But it was not just his daughter who was under Siwon’s spell. They swapped out of the bathroom in the morning, shared shaving cream, used the same polish on their shoes. Siwon seemed to want nothing more than to lay beside him and talk about movies or books. Sharing stories about his family that had Han Geng in stitches of laughter, trying to not wake his daughter. And Siwon learned of him as well. The more he knew, the more he wanted. Watching Siwon’s fingers pick at a loose thread on the blanket’s front, or the way he bared his throat to stretch.
And for his own sanity, the way Siwon leaned too close to talk, or his habit of touching Han Geng as they walked. And he survived almost a week that way? Living in such close quarters with a man he was head over heels in lust with, not to even mention the emotional toll of holding back every single moment. And it only got harder to hide. Better rested as time went on, leaving Chunhua with a recommended day care during the days, picking her up and finding dinner afterwards. And all three of them sitting on the bed and watching some silly show that had made her giggle and roll between their legs. Sometimes she passed out there, sprawled there between them.
He ruffled her bangs a little, sharing a smile with Siwon before forcing himself to stand. It was a little too much. Too close, too intimate. Siwon said he was going for a shower, and he got Chunhua up and into her pajamas. She woke up, marginally, and he recited to her some silly rhyme, hoping she’d be able to fall back to sleep.
No one had ever told him he was smart, and he proved that, asking for Chunhua’s sippy cup that he had left in the bathroom, and into his numb hand it had been placed by a towel-clad, water-dripping Siwon. He didn’t even remember turning, just making a knock-kneed path across the hotel room to where Chunhua was whining for water. Clean thoughts. Clean thoughts. Siwon had definitely been clean. No. Not that. He’d barely grunted in response when Siwon told him the bathroom was free, getting his pajamas in jerky movements, tossing things back into his suitcase with the least frustration than he could possibly emit without imploding.
But even then, he couldn’t get away. Siwon nudged in beside him as he brushed his teeth and he wanted to scream. He fumbled with the brush, setting into its holder harder than he intended.
“Han Geng…” Siwon caught at him before he could leave the spacious bathroom. “Are you upset with me?”
From slamming his toothbrush down? Or maybe because he was radiating pent up need for something. He had no idea being this close to Siwon would be so hard. He was used to having time to decompress, to build up his shields. Not spending every waking moment with him.
“No,” he said, trying to slid his arm subtly away. “It’s just been a long week.”
Siwon looked so apologetic. “I’m sorry, I really should’ve suggested we find another hotel, so you could have your own space. I don’t have many close friends, and I enjoy spending time with both of you. So I’m sorry, if—”
“It’s fine,” he said, shaking his arm a little harder, and trying not to let Siwon’s words echo in his head. “Please, just…”
But Siwon did not let him go, grasping his other arm with an uncommon strength. “Han Geng, look at me. Please.”
How could he not, at that request? Siwon’s eyes were dark, and almost desperate. For what reason, he wondered. And, for a moment, he thought he had stumbled, as Siwon tugged him close.
Siwon’s lips were as soft as his kiss was firm, pressing into Han Geng with no little amount of force. But it did not keep him from pressing back, at first without thought, and then with some wonder. He was dreaming, he realized. He was in bed, asleep, dreaming that Siwon was kissing him, that he was angling his head to feel Siwon’s mouth more fully against his. That he was fighting to get his arm free, yes, like that, so he could sink his fingers into the richness of Siwon’s hair.
And especially that when Siwon’s arm clasped hard around his lower back, that he would gasp in wonder, opening to Siwon’s kiss, the sweetness of mint against his tongue as Siwon held him. They were so wound to each other, an arm around Siwon’s back, his neck, both of Siwon’s around him. It was a year of longing that he tried to fit into that kiss, every smile, every hand brushing his elbow over that year, every stupid dream. His lungs were burning as Siwon turned him, using the momentum of their bodies to draw him down. Knees beside Siwon’s hips, arms around his torso as Siwon held his face, pressing soft kisses to his lips and chin, and even his nose. And with a shudder, Siwon pulled him close, and for a moment, he let his face press into the warm neck.
He stared at his reflection in the glass shower that they were up against. His breath fogging the glass, lips wet from their kiss. It was real, everything. That he had been moaning in Siwon’s arms, kissing him with not want but need
“No,” Siwon protested, holding him tighter, as he tried to back away. He panted light against Siwon’s shoulder, intoxicated by the smell of him, the warmth of him. Something even the hard bathroom tiles under his knees couldn’t erase. “Han Geng, Han Geng,” he murmured, pressing kisses to Han Geng’s cheek and ear.
It sent shivers over his skin, breathing, trying to calm himself. Letting some of the tension in his back fall to Siwon’s stroking hand. How was he even going to look at him? Kissing Siwon like that. And yet, Siwon had been kissing him, too…
Slowly, Siwon turned his head. Meeting Han Geng’s eyes, gaze flickering down to his lips before raising again. Moving in for another soft kiss that had Han Geng all but clutching himself to keep a hold on his sanity.
Han Geng licked his lips and swallowed. “What way am I supposed to take that?”
Siwon’s dimples flashed. “Better than I went about it. This is why it’s so hard, for bosses to… I didn’t want to make the first move. I didn’t want… I don’t ever want you to think it’d be some kind of requirement to your employment. It’s just that I’ve wanted you.”
Wanted him? It was said so strongly, not a hint of doubt in it. And the way he was kissing Siwon right then, it was like he was telling Siwon to be quiet, that those concerns had no place between them. That he was glad.
And because he should have been quiet, he spoke. “I’ve wanted you, too.”
Siwon squeezed his shoulder. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“And risk losing my job?”
“I would never have… I thought I was so obvious. I would have done almost anything for you. Outside of work, I mean. Your job is your own, on your own merit. Never doubt that.”
“I thought it was just me,” he whispered.
“No… It’s such a bad idea, but no. It’s not just you. Seeing you so rattled that first day, getting that lollipop to help calm her down, I was attracted to you. I didn’t think there was any chance. And when they tried to tell you that you should marry?”
Han Geng swallowed a laugh. “How could I tell them I only thought of you?”
He saw that day in his head so clearly, Siwon being upset that he was being harassed about marriage. He had thought it had just been concern for an employee, because Siwon was like that, but if Siwon had been attracted to him, wanting him, then it had almost been as much for Siwon’s benefit as for his. Something very much like jealousy. Siwon touching his elbow as they talked. Inviting him to drink, at least a few times, after work. He’d always declined because of Chunhua, but if Siwon had been trying to spend more time with him?
“I thought you’d catch on for sure, with the parties. It was almost the only way to spend more time around you outside of work,” Siwon said. “I had given them before, of course, but…probably not so often. Oh, Han Geng. So much time.”
Siwon, planning ways to be around him? It was a bloom to his disbelief. How precarious it was, that of course Siwon could not have confessed. But to look back at all those moments, the way that Siwon supported him, listened to him, befriended him. To know that there were moments in there that for Siwon had meant just as much, and more. He didn’t flatter himself that Siwon had wanted him right from the start. But somewhere along the way, he had begun to.
“We were making sure,” he told Siwon. “It’s important to take it slow. To be sure.”
“Yes. There is your daughter to think of.”
“She enjoys being around you.”
Siwon smiled. “I enjoy being around her, too. I love children. I’ve… It’s been my dream to have some as well. And just seeing you with her. Getting to know your laugh. Your voice. I’ve spent a lot of time telling myself no. If you hadn’t been right for the job, maybe I would have kept your number and tried to… No, I probably wouldn’t have. But you were completely right for the job. I couldn’t have not hired you because I found you cute and wanted to date you.”
How was he supposed to respond to that? “Cute?”
He couldn’t even get out more than that before his throat kind of closed on him, face so warm that he swore it might hurt someone as Siwon whispered to him. The ways that Siwon had noticed him, and the way he had noticed him back.
“We should sleep,” Siwon said, stroking on his back.
Of course, his knees were stiff and cold from the tile as he got up off of Siwon and helped him up. He nudged into Siwon’s face as they stood, just enjoying the hold, but so ready for the warmth of the bed. He just made sure she was sleeping all right, straightening the covers, before crawling into the bed himself. And the silence was kind of stifling, wondering what Siwon was thinking. At least until he heard the noise.
He found Siwon’s hand and squeezed it, where it had been creeping across the bed toward him. Siwon gave an almost inaudible chuckle, turning toward him. He let his head rest near Siwon’s on the pillow, and for once, slept almost without effort. His only regret was that they had only two more days.
Two more days of stolen kisses, taking Chuhua to the zoo together to see the pandas, eating together. The way Siwon’s eyes would crinkle just a little when Siwon caught his eye in a meeting. Almost like he was trying to make him blush. To his credit, he only stumbled over his words a couple of times. He thought that was rather heroic in itself. And at night, knowing Chunhua was asleep, they graduated from holding hands, to holding each other. Kisses in the quiet of the room that shouted of sweetness and desire. Sleeping with Siwon’s arm over him. Siwon did not push him for more. Conscious that Chunhua was sleeping, for one thing, but also, he thought if there was one man who wanted to make sure of a relationship before leaping into bed, it was Siwon. They both thought too much, and when Siwon kissed him in the hotel room, his suitcase packed to go back to Korea, he knew there was only a guarantee that he would miss him. But there was family to see, even if it took them from Siwon.
***
Returning to work, he didn’t know what to expect. Though he was surprised to see Siwon there at the airport to pick him up, dimples flashing as he and Chuhnua came out with their bags. The dinner they had shared that night had been sweet, Chunhua getting food all over herself and Siwon’s sleeve. And he let some of the worry of their days apart sink away. Because it wasn’t going to change them, not outside of work, and not at work either. With the exception of the addition of a mid-week lunch meeting that was not clandestine or anything like that. It was simply Han Geng bringing his lunch into Siwon’s office and eating, sometimes working, through lunch. It gave them time to talk as well, not always on work topics, as any conversation tended to wind. Most of their personal conversations where held outside of work hours, talking to Siwon on the phone while he was getting dinner put on, or after Chunhua had fallen to sleep. Hearing Siwon’s chuckles even through the phone made him smile.
And the weekends were theirs. He had meant it when he said they should take it slow, and though they did meet together at Han Geng’s apartment, or at Siwon’s home, there were no overnight stays or anything questionable really at all. Having a little girl toddling around them did help to keep that resolve, but a lot of it too was just getting to know each other better. Siwon planned “dates” for them, going to the zoo or aquarium, or kid-friendly museums. And Chunhua was just that much more willing to lean into Siwon’s arms, to cuddle in his lap. She had never been particularly shy, but it was something that warmed him, that she had found someone she felt comfortable to be like that around. That she trusted Siwon, felt comfortable around him, even as Siwon himself did.
And of course they kissed, eagerly and often, when out of her sight and not in public. When he started thinking everything was totally crazy and insane, getting folded in one of Siwon’s bear hugs, being kissed with such assurance, knocked any sort of protests out of his head entirely. He’d had a year to fall into a sick and hopeless love, and it took a while to get to where he didn’t pinch himself when Siwon’s mouth curved and his lashes dropped and he looked at Han Geng with such glee in his eyes. Sometimes rather unholy glee, as he was half carried in a hug, laughing all the while.
***
He knew things were changing when Siwon showed up at his door on a work night unannounced. He had empty hands, and a set jaw, and it puzzled Han Geng. Sent panic flaring in the pit of his stomach.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, as Siwon got a hold on him, rubbing hands up and down his sides.
“I want to go to dinner with you. Just the two of us. Not tonight, but…Some night. This weekend, or…”
Siwon was through courting both him and his daughter, and was ready to take the step toward focusing on him alone? And it meant that Siwon was pressing aside his own insecurities as Han Geng’s boss, to take that step.
He could not help the smile.
“Yes. I can call the agency and find a babysitter. And we can—”
He didn’t get to finish as Siwon kissed him, long and savoring. Because his daughter was already asleep, he leaned into it, holding Siwon close. And they ended up on the couch that night, barely holding onto the edge of control as Siwon hovered over him.
“This weekend,” he said, squeezing at the back of Siwon’s neck. Some kind of promise. Siwon smiled, kissing him again before he left. And he knew neither of them were content
***
He did not tell Siwon, because it seemed like pressure, that the babysitter he had gotten for their Saturday date had been told that it was highly likely he would not be back that night. So she was prepared to stay the whole night, if necessary. He wanted it to be necessary. He wanted Siwon to pour him into that big bed and not let him out again until morning. Making out on couches like teenagers had its appeal And it wasn’t as though they hadn’t locked themselves in the bathroom in Han Geng’s apartment just to get hands in each other’s pants. Muffling moans against lips and skin, panting against each other just to stay standing.
So unless he was quite mistaken, Siwon joined him in those sentiments. He hadn’t been the only one on the couch that night carefully holding back. It wasn’t like consummating their relationship was going to be any more detrimental to their work relationship than what they already had. They weren’t going to start making out in Siwon’s office during meetings, and locking themselves in some closet. Sure, they wanted each other, but they had some restraint. And if Siwon was only out for the thrill, if getting Han Geng into bed was his only goal, then he’d accomplished that quite handily. But it wasn’t as though Siwon had invited him over for sex, they were simply going out to eat.
And it was different, because they were not at work, and there was no child with them to help with her food. He could focus directly on Siwon’s words, the way Siwon’s lips interacted with the chopsticks. The way that Siwon watched him, too. The subtle flirting with their eyes while commenting on the food. He was glad that Siwon’s influence had gotten them a mostly private booth. Let others think it was a business dinner. They knew better.
And in the privacy of the parking garage, in the dark of the car, he leaned against Siwon. Sharing another kiss, an acknowledgement of a dinner just as amazing, if not better, than he had imagined. And to share the quiet time after, finding assurances and promises in every meeting of their mouths. But it wasn’t totally comfortable, for either of them. Even in the dark, it was public, and taking too long would inevitably draw attention.
“Did you want to go back to your place for a while?” he asked, trying to be sort of casual about it.
“I would very much like to,” Siwon said, squeezing him. “I just don’t think we should. I think if I got you there, it’d be hard for me to let you back out. The babysitter would think you’d gotten run over somewhere.”
“No,” Han Geng said, smiling at him. Siwon, even thoughtful. He was glad to have a forethought of his own to share. “At least not until morning. I settled her in for the night just in… Just in case.”
He had never seen Siwon’s eyes so wide. “Han Geng…”
“Siwon.”
Okay. That was beyond sappy as Siwon kissed him and they laughed together like excited teenagers getting around their parents’ rules.
Not, he thought, that many teenagers had stripped each other naked almost by the time the bedroom door was closed. Stripping Siwon from his tie had been his pleasure, as Siwon’s outer door closed behind them. Lips curving as Siwon had both his hands fisted in Han Geng’s shirt, as though he were sure what to do to get it off. It made his heart yearn as Siwon kissed him, a dirty assault as they staggered unsteadily, step by step toward Siwon’s bedroom. Sucking on Siwon’s neck as they wrestled with pants. Siwon’s looks certainly had been a draw, the idea of six feet of toned, prime male stretching out on top of him certainly had fired his blood more than once. But it was obvious, as Siwon helped him with his shirt, that he enjoyed every inch of skin he bared as well. He couldn’t help but be proud in that.
But as Siwon reached, to touch him as they stood, bumping knees as Siwon molested his neck, he stopped Siwon’s hand.
“You want to have sex?” he asked Siwon, rather bluntly, and getting a non-response. “If you do, you won’t touch me now.”
Siwon’s eyes were dark, meeting his as the last of their clothes were shed.
“Then we should get on the bed,” Siwon said. And the timbre of his voice left nothing to Han Geng’s imagination.
All he knew was that he wanted, as they gasped, moaned, in time with each other. He’d been fantasizing, to some extent, for over a year. And for weeks, knowing they would be ending up here. But none of his sessions in the shower could have prepared him for Siwon kissing him as he slid inside him, or the way their skin slid together. It wasn’t like he was some kind of virgin, but he didn’t think he had ever been with someone he wanted that much. And that it was him that made Siwon’s breathing stutter as he moved up into Siwon’s thrust. It was Siwon who thought of him and his pleasure, even as Siwon’s own was fading. It was only him who got to stroke the sweaty back as he let his trembling thighs relax. His whole body was drifting in clouds as little ribbons of rainbows floated by. He wondered what Siwon would think if he started writing his reports in purple ink. Probably not anything good.
Siwon looked similarly goofy as they lay facing each other. Siwon who was kind to children and was so genuinely, almost unbelievably his.
“Han Geng,” Siwon said, dropping to press a kiss to his shoulder. It made him feel loved.
***
It was Siwon’s hand that Chunhua held as she told them of her first day at school, and Siwon who she begged to chase away the monsters beneath her bed. He had given Siwon, then, part of both of their hearts. And in return, Siwon had given them part of his home. The lazy cat that slept in her room, and the trips to China, for the three of them. Siwon’s position in the company had changed, so they did not see each other quite as much. All for the better, because it reduced the chance for gossip, Siwon had said. It wasn’t as though they had advertised the fact that Han Geng had moved in with Siwon, but at the first gathering at Siwon’s home, it had been quite obvious. He heard the gossip, and saw the curious stares, but no one confronted him directly. A perk, he supposed, of living with one of the rising stars of the company. No one would accuse Siwon without proof, because who could prove they were any more than friends?
Even though they didn’t work together as closely, the lunch meeting, that they never got rid of. So Siwon’s conflict as his boss had disappeared, and his conflict on who got to fold the socks began. Every bit of it was steps on a journey, he thought. Either way, he had found something precious. Something he had no intention of letting go of. Maybe Siwon had not known how deep his affection had been, but as he traced the grinning, satisfied face beneath him, he had no doubt that they had found out together.
