coley_merrin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
coley_merrin) wrote2009-10-12 02:49 pm
coley_merrin) wrote2009-10-12 02:49 pm
Entry tags:
[Fic] Rundown 6/8
Title: Rundown
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun (main) and small amounts of Siwon/Hankyung
Genre: AU, baseball
Warning: Sexual situations.
Summary: As Zhou Mi's dreams are put in jeopardy, Kyuhyun is forced to face everything he has tried to escape.
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five ** Chapter Six ** Chapter Seven
***
Zhou Mi could not put a price on how he treasured the time with Miyun. It was not more to him than his time with Kyuhyun, but it wasn’t exactly less either. She was a treasure. All the stubbornness of a two year old, a charming smile. Her flopsy dark hair.
Her mouth was smeared with rice despite Kyuhyun’s best efforts, smiling wide at both of them as she declared herself done.
“It’s hard to tell if she has more of it on her or in her,” Kyuhyun sighed.
“Play, Daddy?” Miyun wanted to know. “Play toys~”
“Maybe for a little while...” Kyuhyun started to say, when a maid appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”
“Phone call for you, sir.”
“Okay, thank you. I’ll pick it up in a moment.” He stood. “Sorry, kid, you’ll have to go with your nanny this morning.”
Her chin began to tremble.
“Can I?” Zhou Mi asked, two sets of dark eyes focusing on him. “I can look after her while you’re on the phone.”
“Zhou Mimi play toys?” Miyun demanded, and tried to lever herself up out of her seat.
“You’re sure?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
“I’ll even wash her face and hands,” Zhou Mi said, smiling at the excited child.
Kyuhyun laughed. “You’ll wear what she’s got on her if you’re not careful.”
Still, he unstrapped her from her seat, holding her so that her back was facing Zhou Mi so he could take her without dirty hands going onto his shirt.
“We’ll be good,” Zhou Mi assured him. “Take your time.”
***
And they were good. They splashed a little too enthusiastically at the sink together, but no one could deny Miyun was clean by the time they left, even if he had to towel her clothes down before they left.
She skipped ahead of him into her playroom, piling toys for him. Showing him her stuffed animals, her dolls. Dragging him from dollhouse to a little pen of horses and stuffed animals, and finally to a table. A table that he had to sit flat on the floor to sit at.
“Zhou Mimi have pretty hair.”
He smiled at her. “Thank you...”
But her idea was something different, as she stood on his thighs, tilting his head down, and fixing his hair just the way she wanted with the little pink puffs she had retrieved.
“Come, play!” she said, satisfied, and he scooted closer.
A small menagerie of stuffed animals were deposited on his lap, a tiara deposited on his head, as she set out her tiny tea service. He made the tiger in his lap approach the tea pot.
“Can he have tea as well?”
She giggled. “Sure!”
“Or will he... Do this?”
Zhou Mi hauled her up with his good arm, mocking a roar, her squeals and laughter delighting him. But instead of her wriggling away, she cuddled close, wrapping chubby little arms around his neck.
“Love you,” she said very seriously, eyes still dancing.
His heart turned, as though it wanted to explode or take flight.
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t know how anyone couldn’t.”
She pushed away, meticulously checking the inside of her teapot and setting out cups for the animals worth enough to join them.
“What’s going on here?” Kyuhyun asked as he came in.
“Tea, Daddy,” Miyun informed him.
“I’m having tea with my girlfriend,” Zhou Mi said, making both Miyun and Kyuhyun laugh, though one of those was more a childish giggle.
“Can I have some, too?”
His knee nudged Zhou Mi’s as he sat down cross legged, Miyun setting a little cup in front of him as well. Zhou Mi’s offered tea biscuit looked a bit like a fake piece of pizza, complete with green pepper, but he made sounds as he pretended to chew as if it was the finest chocolate cookie.
Kyuhyun pretended not to like his and got reprimanded in Miyun’s best scolding voice that he had to eat it all or no dessert. A clear imitation of Kyuhyun’s dinner table cajoling.
“Okay, baby,” he said, and smiled at Zhou Mi over his frilly pink cup.
***
Miyun went down for her afternoon nap and Kyuhyun broke down laughing, tipping up Zhou Mi’s face.
“I think those suit you. I think you should have them sewn onto your baseball cap.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, feeling the bells on the little pink puffs jangle. “I think they’re not quite my style.”
“Here, get those off your head,” Kyuhyun said, pulling the clip from one of Zhou Mi’s “ponytails.” “I can’t think about touching you when you’ve got my daughter’s hair ties on your head.”
Zhou Mi’s eyebrows rose. “But you can think about it without them.”
“Mm. Try me.”
Kissing Kyuhyun was like sinking into warmth. All that existed to him was the mouth that moved with his, the softness of the hair between his fingers, the warmth of his skin... As their lips met, shifted, joined, he could feel their connection. It seemed wrong, somehow, to think that he could not keep this man...
Kyuhyun turned his head, feeling Zhou Mi’s tension. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Kyuhyun’s jaw. If they could just...
“Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong when there is,” Kyuhyun told him, voice flat and hard.
“I’m sorry... I’m just thinking about a lot of things. Forgive me?”
Nothing’s wrong when I’m with you...
Kyuhyun huffed, smiling a bit as Zhou Mi attempted to wriggle closer. “I suppose.” He seemed to breathe, to consider his words. “If you need something, you know...”
He slid Kyuhyun’s pants down his hips and nodded, breathless and flushed at the invitation. Sharing problems was a friendly thing to do. It was a lover thing to do. It spoke of connection, dedication...
“Thank you...” he whispered, and let his mind be lost in Kyuhyun’s touch.
***
Zhou Mi waited to bring up the idea of singing, waited deliberately. But he couldn’t wait longer. The closer he got to being well, the less time he felt that he had to help. And he couldn’t help but want to. Just seeing Kyuhyun smile was enough to make sure he had to try.
“Have you thought about going with me to the club, seeing about singing there?”
Kyuhyun frowned from where he was removing his socks. They hadn’t been in the bedroom more than five minutes after another night game.
“What? I thought we were through having that conversation.”
“Kyuhyun...” Zhou Mi stepped as close as he dared. “You could do it, if you wanted. I really think you should. Even if you don’t get famous or record an album, at least you get to do something you enjoy. I really think, if you just try...”
“No!” Kyuhyun said, turning from him. “No, I don’t want to, and that’s it. So drop it.”
“Don’t you want Miyun to grow up thinking she can do anything she sets her mind to? You could show your father...”
Even as the words left his mouth, Zhou Mi realized that they were the wrong tack to take. Kyuhyun was so defensive about his past. If he had been gentle... But it was so hard, knowing what Kyuhyun could have.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Kyuhyun demanded, facing him, body rigid as he faced Zhou Mi. “Now you really do sound like my father. Do I get a choice in this? I said no, and I mean no. You have no right to even talk to me about this, so shut up.”
Zhou Mi fought to keep himself sturdy, taking in Kyuhyun’s furious face. If he had no right to even discuss it, then he might as well be a stranger.
“What am I to you, Kyuhyun?” he asked, hating himself that he asked, that he had to ask.
“You’re nothing to me.”
The words lanced through him, laying him open. All this time he had wondered and known. All this time, and he had lied to himself, that Kyuhyun was letting him in, opening to him. Caring about him.
He jerked his pants back up, fumbling with the zipper and button hands that shook with adrenaline.
Kyuhyun was beside him almost immediately, reaching, interrupting him. “What the hell are you doing? You aren’t leaving. Here...”
Kyuhyun tried to guide his fingers into his pants.
“Why would you want to sleep with nothing?” he snarled, trying to jerk away from Kyuhyun’s hands.
And Kyuhyun flinched from his words. “You make me so angry... Why can’t you just drop it?”
Kyuhyun’s hands pulled at him, but he didn’t give. If he bent in front of Kyuhyun, just then, he would break.
“Because that’s what people do...” Zhou Mi began, his voice unsteady. “Not everyone’s out for themselves. Don’t worry. You don’t have to...”
He nearly stumbled as Kyuhyun dragged him out of the room, hopping quickly as they went down over the ledge toward the hot tub and the pool.
“Kyuhyun?” he asked, a little afraid. Was Kyuhyun so angry he was going to drown him?
Almost, he realized. Kyuhyun pointed, distracting him, and the next thing he knew, his arms were plunging into the cool pool water, water flooding into his nose and mouth. He pushed himself up, spluttering, and through streaming eyes watched Kyuhyun surface beside him. Water scattered as Kyuhyun shook his head.
“What was that?” Zhou Mi croaked.
“Cooling off,” Kyuhyun retorted, and followed Zhou Mi to the edge of the pool.
“I don’t understand you.”
“I have a daughter,” Kyuhyun said, treading water. “I can’t just throw myself after people.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, using a hand to try and get the stinging pool water out of his eyes. “We’ve been sleeping together for weeks. If I’m nothing to you after that, then why am I here?”
“I was angry. You know I didn’t mean that.”
“You meant it then.”
Zhou Mi swallowed, as Kyuhyun braced a hand on the concrete and pressed to him. Even through his wet clothes, his body was warm.
“Maybe,” Kyuhyun said, speaking against Zhou Mi’s throat. “But I don’t mean it now. I’m sorry.”
And if he didn’t meant it, then why had he said it? And what did he really mean... If Zhou Mi wasn’t “nothing,” then what was he? But the problem was, now he really didn’t want to know.
“I’m sorry for the way I pressed you,” Zhou Mi said finally. But he wasn’t really sorry that he had. If Kyuhyun couldn’t reach for what he wanted, if that was singing, or even...or even him. Then there really was nothing left for them, in the end.
“Let’s go inside,” Kyuhyun said, and Zhou Mi nodded, feeling the cool of the water begin to seep into him.
They showered together, the water hot on their skin. Kyuhyun’s face was blank as he washed their hair, smoothing the soap away from Zhou Mi’s eyes. It was so intimate, even though they didn’t speak, and he had no idea how to process it. Water was dripping into his eyes as they kissed, both of Kyuhyun’s hands tangling in his hair.
Though they flirted with each other’s mouths, it was not sexual. He could taste the lingering traces of chlorine on Kyuhyun’s tongue.
When Kyuhyun’s mouth left his, the dark eyes closed almost immediately. As though he were hiding something there.
He wanted to wrap his arms around Kyuhyun’s waist, and tug him close, press kisses to hollow of his neck and whisper that everything was okay.
But everything wasn’t okay. It was far, far from okay. Inside, he wasn’t sure if he throbbed or had turned to stone. The stone was more appealing.
Even Kyuhyun dressed for bed that night, tugging on a pair of loose pants.
He didn’t want to talk about it. The thought of talking only made it worse. Still he had to hide his face as he laid back on the bed, to realize that Kyuhyun was beside him, and they had not exchanged a word. With a sigh, he tried relaxing.
“Sleep well,” Kyuhyun said, his voice raspy.
Zhou Mi’s throat was too tight to answer. But he nodded, and knew Kyuhyun saw.
***
They worked with him, getting him back up to strength. Making sure the effects of the sprain were minimized, that he was strong enough to swing a bat. He trained gently, then mercilessly. Driven to get back, get out there. Play again, do what he was meant to do again.
The others were encouraging, applauding his efforts. Coming to watch his indoor batting session.
With a bat in his hand he felt as close to normal as he had in a long time.
He had worked, trained for years for the chance to play baseball. The kid who was too tall or too skinny, who everyone said couldn’t ever do it. But he had. He had. And baseball had brought him Kyuhyun, a man he could actually see himself building a life with, and the one who despised what it was that he did. To think of giving up Kyuhyun... How could he trade his lifelong dream, even for a man like Kyuhyun? Or for his sweet daughter.
He turned down Kyuhyun’s awkward offer to go home with him for the first time since right after they met, laying back in his bed which was almost unfamiliar to him. So much so that he nearly turned, to make some comment to Kyuhyun. Who wasn’t there.
He rolled, slamming his forehead into the mattress.
“Idiot. Jerk,” he muttered.
He curled the fingers of the arm that had been injured. You have no right to sleep beside him, his daughter will forget you, if anyone finds out, they’ll reject you from the team...
And even if he wanted to, Kyuhyun... Kyuhyun wanted him there, but if it was just sex, then they would both learn to live without it.
While on the road, he’d have to sleep alone, he reasoned. He was just getting used to that.
Just getting used to that.
***
The fight with Zhou Mi left him jittery inside, when he allowed himself to think about it. Zhou Mi had pressed him, and he had snapped. Snapped in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to in years, not since he had screamed at his father as that teenager who had no control.
But to say Zhou Mi was nothing? Nothing did not kiss him good night, or wash his daughter’s face, or laugh at him.
Or push him to do something that scared him so much that he lost his sanity just thinking about it. If he failed at something that he wanted in his most secret place, he feared that all the damage that his father had done would be nothing compared to it. His father’s mocking voice, when Zhou Mi had pushed at him, had overwhelmed him.
But there was another voice that joined in. Zhou Mi’s. Show him, show him you can do it, and just try...
And when he had cuddled Miyun the next night, the night Zhou Mi had turned him down, Zhou Mi’s point about showing Miyun what he could accomplish had sank in. He sang to her, tried not to let any of the emotion sink into his voice.
Zhou Mi didn’t come into the owner’s suite until the bottom of the ninth, and he was dressed for the outside. He nodded to Kyuhyun as he sat, as though to assure him that he would be going home with him. But they did not touch. Or speak.
Zhou Mi was quiet on the ride to the house, murmuring Kyuhyun’s name as their bodies merged. He reached back, reaching for Zhou Mi’s hips.
“Please...”
He didn’t know what he was asking for. He sought a kiss, almost desperate for it.
“Zhou Mi, Zhou Mi...”
“It’s... I can’t...”
“Zhou Mi...”
Zhou Mi shuddered at the sound of his name, panting hard against Kyuhyun’s neck. It was into Zhou Mi’s hand that he spilled, after they had lowered to the sheets, Zhou Mi turning him until their mouths could meet. Zhou Mi held him tightly, an awkward arm squeezing him as though he were going to run away.
It was almost under his breath, but he could hear his name, Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun...
Zhou Mi was a cuddler... But not this kind of one.
He inhaled the scent of Zhou Mi’s skin, and reached up a hand to stroke his face.
“Zhou Mi?”
The almost imperceptible head shake. Zhou Mi didn’t want to talk.
He wouldn’t have wanted to talk to himself either.
“I’ll be right back,” Kyuhyun told him, sighing. And Zhou Mi let him go.
Kyuhyun crawled back under the covers, just the tiniest bit chilled from his trip to the bathroom and even so Zhou Mi gladly snuggled him close. Kyuhyun accepted the desperate kiss without question, but didn’t understand it.
“What’s up with you?”
“They’re evaluating me again tomorrow, in case I can start playing again. I’ve been doing pretty good...”
“That’s good right?”
“I’ll join the team...” Zhou Mi said it hesitantly. “Yes, it’s good.”
“Miyun’s birthday is the day after tomorrow. I was going to invite you. It’s just a small party...”
“I’ll try to be here,” Zhou Mi whispered. “I’ll try.”
For Zhou Mi, he was elated and utterly scared. The last week, even the last two if he were honest, Zhou Mi had been off. Just a little. Just enough that it nagged at Kyuhyun. And what bothered him more, that since their argument, it wasn’t getting better. Zhou Mi had never been so withdrawn.
When he woke the next morning, to Zhou Mi against him, whispering incomprehensible things, holding him close, tenderly. It was an amazing feeling, being held. It wasn’t a very manly thing to admit, that he sometimes needed comfort, but some of that stress that ate his concentration and caused his head to throb until he pushed it all away... Some of that had faded since Zhou Mi. It wasn’t just the sex, though that was certainly part of it. But just a touch, the understanding of a nonjudgemental human. And Zhou Mi probably didn’t even really know what he had done.
He had been nearly ready to turn, to cuddle closer, to meet the soft lips. But Zhou Mi saw he had woken, springing back as though Kyuhyun had been about to hit him and kick him out.
“Should get going,” Zhou Mi chattered, bouncing onto his feet. “Extra practice today.”
“No breakfast this morning?”
Zhou Mi paused, holding the shirt in his hand. “Not this morning, I think. I really should get to the park early, get some work done.”
“Okay.” He considered playing the sympathy card, the “Miyun will miss you,” tactic, but that seemed weak and a rather obvious facade. Even a moron could see through that, and Zhou Mi clearly was not.
He was in his robe when Zhou Mi emerged from the bathroom, utterly put together and wrinkle free.
“So, probably see you later,” Zhou Mi said, lifting a hand in a half wave as though Kyuhyun was just going to stand there and watch him leave.
“I guess you know where I’ll be,” Kyuhyun told him, hoping for a smile of some sort and not getting one. He followed Zhou Mi into the entrance hall, watching him don his sunglasses and shoes, shrugging into his jacket.
“Hey, stranger,” he said, before Zhou Mi could turn, using a lapel to drag Zhou Mi’s face to his. For just one kiss.
Which was all he was allowed. Their lips had barely brushed when Zhou Mi’s face tilted down, breaking it.
“See you,” Zhou Mi whispered.
Kyuhyun stood there, watching Zhou Mi jog down to his waiting car. From behind him, he could hear Miyun’s lilting singing, probably tending to her dollies. What he really wanted was to go after Zhou Mi and shake him, and make him tell him what was wrong. What he did was dress, and spend the morning amusing his smiling daughter.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairings: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun (main) and small amounts of Siwon/Hankyung
Genre: AU, baseball
Warning: Sexual situations.
Summary: As Zhou Mi's dreams are put in jeopardy, Kyuhyun is forced to face everything he has tried to escape.
***
Chapter One ** Chapter Two ** Chapter Three ** Chapter Four ** Chapter Five ** Chapter Six ** Chapter Seven
***
Zhou Mi could not put a price on how he treasured the time with Miyun. It was not more to him than his time with Kyuhyun, but it wasn’t exactly less either. She was a treasure. All the stubbornness of a two year old, a charming smile. Her flopsy dark hair.
Her mouth was smeared with rice despite Kyuhyun’s best efforts, smiling wide at both of them as she declared herself done.
“It’s hard to tell if she has more of it on her or in her,” Kyuhyun sighed.
“Play, Daddy?” Miyun wanted to know. “Play toys~”
“Maybe for a little while...” Kyuhyun started to say, when a maid appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”
“Phone call for you, sir.”
“Okay, thank you. I’ll pick it up in a moment.” He stood. “Sorry, kid, you’ll have to go with your nanny this morning.”
Her chin began to tremble.
“Can I?” Zhou Mi asked, two sets of dark eyes focusing on him. “I can look after her while you’re on the phone.”
“Zhou Mimi play toys?” Miyun demanded, and tried to lever herself up out of her seat.
“You’re sure?” Kyuhyun wanted to know.
“I’ll even wash her face and hands,” Zhou Mi said, smiling at the excited child.
Kyuhyun laughed. “You’ll wear what she’s got on her if you’re not careful.”
Still, he unstrapped her from her seat, holding her so that her back was facing Zhou Mi so he could take her without dirty hands going onto his shirt.
“We’ll be good,” Zhou Mi assured him. “Take your time.”
***
And they were good. They splashed a little too enthusiastically at the sink together, but no one could deny Miyun was clean by the time they left, even if he had to towel her clothes down before they left.
She skipped ahead of him into her playroom, piling toys for him. Showing him her stuffed animals, her dolls. Dragging him from dollhouse to a little pen of horses and stuffed animals, and finally to a table. A table that he had to sit flat on the floor to sit at.
“Zhou Mimi have pretty hair.”
He smiled at her. “Thank you...”
But her idea was something different, as she stood on his thighs, tilting his head down, and fixing his hair just the way she wanted with the little pink puffs she had retrieved.
“Come, play!” she said, satisfied, and he scooted closer.
A small menagerie of stuffed animals were deposited on his lap, a tiara deposited on his head, as she set out her tiny tea service. He made the tiger in his lap approach the tea pot.
“Can he have tea as well?”
She giggled. “Sure!”
“Or will he... Do this?”
Zhou Mi hauled her up with his good arm, mocking a roar, her squeals and laughter delighting him. But instead of her wriggling away, she cuddled close, wrapping chubby little arms around his neck.
“Love you,” she said very seriously, eyes still dancing.
His heart turned, as though it wanted to explode or take flight.
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t know how anyone couldn’t.”
She pushed away, meticulously checking the inside of her teapot and setting out cups for the animals worth enough to join them.
“What’s going on here?” Kyuhyun asked as he came in.
“Tea, Daddy,” Miyun informed him.
“I’m having tea with my girlfriend,” Zhou Mi said, making both Miyun and Kyuhyun laugh, though one of those was more a childish giggle.
“Can I have some, too?”
His knee nudged Zhou Mi’s as he sat down cross legged, Miyun setting a little cup in front of him as well. Zhou Mi’s offered tea biscuit looked a bit like a fake piece of pizza, complete with green pepper, but he made sounds as he pretended to chew as if it was the finest chocolate cookie.
Kyuhyun pretended not to like his and got reprimanded in Miyun’s best scolding voice that he had to eat it all or no dessert. A clear imitation of Kyuhyun’s dinner table cajoling.
“Okay, baby,” he said, and smiled at Zhou Mi over his frilly pink cup.
***
Miyun went down for her afternoon nap and Kyuhyun broke down laughing, tipping up Zhou Mi’s face.
“I think those suit you. I think you should have them sewn onto your baseball cap.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, feeling the bells on the little pink puffs jangle. “I think they’re not quite my style.”
“Here, get those off your head,” Kyuhyun said, pulling the clip from one of Zhou Mi’s “ponytails.” “I can’t think about touching you when you’ve got my daughter’s hair ties on your head.”
Zhou Mi’s eyebrows rose. “But you can think about it without them.”
“Mm. Try me.”
Kissing Kyuhyun was like sinking into warmth. All that existed to him was the mouth that moved with his, the softness of the hair between his fingers, the warmth of his skin... As their lips met, shifted, joined, he could feel their connection. It seemed wrong, somehow, to think that he could not keep this man...
Kyuhyun turned his head, feeling Zhou Mi’s tension. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he whispered, pressing his lips to Kyuhyun’s jaw. If they could just...
“Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong when there is,” Kyuhyun told him, voice flat and hard.
“I’m sorry... I’m just thinking about a lot of things. Forgive me?”
Nothing’s wrong when I’m with you...
Kyuhyun huffed, smiling a bit as Zhou Mi attempted to wriggle closer. “I suppose.” He seemed to breathe, to consider his words. “If you need something, you know...”
He slid Kyuhyun’s pants down his hips and nodded, breathless and flushed at the invitation. Sharing problems was a friendly thing to do. It was a lover thing to do. It spoke of connection, dedication...
“Thank you...” he whispered, and let his mind be lost in Kyuhyun’s touch.
***
Zhou Mi waited to bring up the idea of singing, waited deliberately. But he couldn’t wait longer. The closer he got to being well, the less time he felt that he had to help. And he couldn’t help but want to. Just seeing Kyuhyun smile was enough to make sure he had to try.
“Have you thought about going with me to the club, seeing about singing there?”
Kyuhyun frowned from where he was removing his socks. They hadn’t been in the bedroom more than five minutes after another night game.
“What? I thought we were through having that conversation.”
“Kyuhyun...” Zhou Mi stepped as close as he dared. “You could do it, if you wanted. I really think you should. Even if you don’t get famous or record an album, at least you get to do something you enjoy. I really think, if you just try...”
“No!” Kyuhyun said, turning from him. “No, I don’t want to, and that’s it. So drop it.”
“Don’t you want Miyun to grow up thinking she can do anything she sets her mind to? You could show your father...”
Even as the words left his mouth, Zhou Mi realized that they were the wrong tack to take. Kyuhyun was so defensive about his past. If he had been gentle... But it was so hard, knowing what Kyuhyun could have.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Kyuhyun demanded, facing him, body rigid as he faced Zhou Mi. “Now you really do sound like my father. Do I get a choice in this? I said no, and I mean no. You have no right to even talk to me about this, so shut up.”
Zhou Mi fought to keep himself sturdy, taking in Kyuhyun’s furious face. If he had no right to even discuss it, then he might as well be a stranger.
“What am I to you, Kyuhyun?” he asked, hating himself that he asked, that he had to ask.
“You’re nothing to me.”
The words lanced through him, laying him open. All this time he had wondered and known. All this time, and he had lied to himself, that Kyuhyun was letting him in, opening to him. Caring about him.
He jerked his pants back up, fumbling with the zipper and button hands that shook with adrenaline.
Kyuhyun was beside him almost immediately, reaching, interrupting him. “What the hell are you doing? You aren’t leaving. Here...”
Kyuhyun tried to guide his fingers into his pants.
“Why would you want to sleep with nothing?” he snarled, trying to jerk away from Kyuhyun’s hands.
And Kyuhyun flinched from his words. “You make me so angry... Why can’t you just drop it?”
Kyuhyun’s hands pulled at him, but he didn’t give. If he bent in front of Kyuhyun, just then, he would break.
“Because that’s what people do...” Zhou Mi began, his voice unsteady. “Not everyone’s out for themselves. Don’t worry. You don’t have to...”
He nearly stumbled as Kyuhyun dragged him out of the room, hopping quickly as they went down over the ledge toward the hot tub and the pool.
“Kyuhyun?” he asked, a little afraid. Was Kyuhyun so angry he was going to drown him?
Almost, he realized. Kyuhyun pointed, distracting him, and the next thing he knew, his arms were plunging into the cool pool water, water flooding into his nose and mouth. He pushed himself up, spluttering, and through streaming eyes watched Kyuhyun surface beside him. Water scattered as Kyuhyun shook his head.
“What was that?” Zhou Mi croaked.
“Cooling off,” Kyuhyun retorted, and followed Zhou Mi to the edge of the pool.
“I don’t understand you.”
“I have a daughter,” Kyuhyun said, treading water. “I can’t just throw myself after people.”
Zhou Mi shook his head, using a hand to try and get the stinging pool water out of his eyes. “We’ve been sleeping together for weeks. If I’m nothing to you after that, then why am I here?”
“I was angry. You know I didn’t mean that.”
“You meant it then.”
Zhou Mi swallowed, as Kyuhyun braced a hand on the concrete and pressed to him. Even through his wet clothes, his body was warm.
“Maybe,” Kyuhyun said, speaking against Zhou Mi’s throat. “But I don’t mean it now. I’m sorry.”
And if he didn’t meant it, then why had he said it? And what did he really mean... If Zhou Mi wasn’t “nothing,” then what was he? But the problem was, now he really didn’t want to know.
“I’m sorry for the way I pressed you,” Zhou Mi said finally. But he wasn’t really sorry that he had. If Kyuhyun couldn’t reach for what he wanted, if that was singing, or even...or even him. Then there really was nothing left for them, in the end.
“Let’s go inside,” Kyuhyun said, and Zhou Mi nodded, feeling the cool of the water begin to seep into him.
They showered together, the water hot on their skin. Kyuhyun’s face was blank as he washed their hair, smoothing the soap away from Zhou Mi’s eyes. It was so intimate, even though they didn’t speak, and he had no idea how to process it. Water was dripping into his eyes as they kissed, both of Kyuhyun’s hands tangling in his hair.
Though they flirted with each other’s mouths, it was not sexual. He could taste the lingering traces of chlorine on Kyuhyun’s tongue.
When Kyuhyun’s mouth left his, the dark eyes closed almost immediately. As though he were hiding something there.
He wanted to wrap his arms around Kyuhyun’s waist, and tug him close, press kisses to hollow of his neck and whisper that everything was okay.
But everything wasn’t okay. It was far, far from okay. Inside, he wasn’t sure if he throbbed or had turned to stone. The stone was more appealing.
Even Kyuhyun dressed for bed that night, tugging on a pair of loose pants.
He didn’t want to talk about it. The thought of talking only made it worse. Still he had to hide his face as he laid back on the bed, to realize that Kyuhyun was beside him, and they had not exchanged a word. With a sigh, he tried relaxing.
“Sleep well,” Kyuhyun said, his voice raspy.
Zhou Mi’s throat was too tight to answer. But he nodded, and knew Kyuhyun saw.
***
They worked with him, getting him back up to strength. Making sure the effects of the sprain were minimized, that he was strong enough to swing a bat. He trained gently, then mercilessly. Driven to get back, get out there. Play again, do what he was meant to do again.
The others were encouraging, applauding his efforts. Coming to watch his indoor batting session.
With a bat in his hand he felt as close to normal as he had in a long time.
He had worked, trained for years for the chance to play baseball. The kid who was too tall or too skinny, who everyone said couldn’t ever do it. But he had. He had. And baseball had brought him Kyuhyun, a man he could actually see himself building a life with, and the one who despised what it was that he did. To think of giving up Kyuhyun... How could he trade his lifelong dream, even for a man like Kyuhyun? Or for his sweet daughter.
He turned down Kyuhyun’s awkward offer to go home with him for the first time since right after they met, laying back in his bed which was almost unfamiliar to him. So much so that he nearly turned, to make some comment to Kyuhyun. Who wasn’t there.
He rolled, slamming his forehead into the mattress.
“Idiot. Jerk,” he muttered.
He curled the fingers of the arm that had been injured. You have no right to sleep beside him, his daughter will forget you, if anyone finds out, they’ll reject you from the team...
And even if he wanted to, Kyuhyun... Kyuhyun wanted him there, but if it was just sex, then they would both learn to live without it.
While on the road, he’d have to sleep alone, he reasoned. He was just getting used to that.
Just getting used to that.
***
The fight with Zhou Mi left him jittery inside, when he allowed himself to think about it. Zhou Mi had pressed him, and he had snapped. Snapped in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to in years, not since he had screamed at his father as that teenager who had no control.
But to say Zhou Mi was nothing? Nothing did not kiss him good night, or wash his daughter’s face, or laugh at him.
Or push him to do something that scared him so much that he lost his sanity just thinking about it. If he failed at something that he wanted in his most secret place, he feared that all the damage that his father had done would be nothing compared to it. His father’s mocking voice, when Zhou Mi had pushed at him, had overwhelmed him.
But there was another voice that joined in. Zhou Mi’s. Show him, show him you can do it, and just try...
And when he had cuddled Miyun the next night, the night Zhou Mi had turned him down, Zhou Mi’s point about showing Miyun what he could accomplish had sank in. He sang to her, tried not to let any of the emotion sink into his voice.
Zhou Mi didn’t come into the owner’s suite until the bottom of the ninth, and he was dressed for the outside. He nodded to Kyuhyun as he sat, as though to assure him that he would be going home with him. But they did not touch. Or speak.
Zhou Mi was quiet on the ride to the house, murmuring Kyuhyun’s name as their bodies merged. He reached back, reaching for Zhou Mi’s hips.
“Please...”
He didn’t know what he was asking for. He sought a kiss, almost desperate for it.
“Zhou Mi, Zhou Mi...”
“It’s... I can’t...”
“Zhou Mi...”
Zhou Mi shuddered at the sound of his name, panting hard against Kyuhyun’s neck. It was into Zhou Mi’s hand that he spilled, after they had lowered to the sheets, Zhou Mi turning him until their mouths could meet. Zhou Mi held him tightly, an awkward arm squeezing him as though he were going to run away.
It was almost under his breath, but he could hear his name, Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun...
Zhou Mi was a cuddler... But not this kind of one.
He inhaled the scent of Zhou Mi’s skin, and reached up a hand to stroke his face.
“Zhou Mi?”
The almost imperceptible head shake. Zhou Mi didn’t want to talk.
He wouldn’t have wanted to talk to himself either.
“I’ll be right back,” Kyuhyun told him, sighing. And Zhou Mi let him go.
Kyuhyun crawled back under the covers, just the tiniest bit chilled from his trip to the bathroom and even so Zhou Mi gladly snuggled him close. Kyuhyun accepted the desperate kiss without question, but didn’t understand it.
“What’s up with you?”
“They’re evaluating me again tomorrow, in case I can start playing again. I’ve been doing pretty good...”
“That’s good right?”
“I’ll join the team...” Zhou Mi said it hesitantly. “Yes, it’s good.”
“Miyun’s birthday is the day after tomorrow. I was going to invite you. It’s just a small party...”
“I’ll try to be here,” Zhou Mi whispered. “I’ll try.”
For Zhou Mi, he was elated and utterly scared. The last week, even the last two if he were honest, Zhou Mi had been off. Just a little. Just enough that it nagged at Kyuhyun. And what bothered him more, that since their argument, it wasn’t getting better. Zhou Mi had never been so withdrawn.
When he woke the next morning, to Zhou Mi against him, whispering incomprehensible things, holding him close, tenderly. It was an amazing feeling, being held. It wasn’t a very manly thing to admit, that he sometimes needed comfort, but some of that stress that ate his concentration and caused his head to throb until he pushed it all away... Some of that had faded since Zhou Mi. It wasn’t just the sex, though that was certainly part of it. But just a touch, the understanding of a nonjudgemental human. And Zhou Mi probably didn’t even really know what he had done.
He had been nearly ready to turn, to cuddle closer, to meet the soft lips. But Zhou Mi saw he had woken, springing back as though Kyuhyun had been about to hit him and kick him out.
“Should get going,” Zhou Mi chattered, bouncing onto his feet. “Extra practice today.”
“No breakfast this morning?”
Zhou Mi paused, holding the shirt in his hand. “Not this morning, I think. I really should get to the park early, get some work done.”
“Okay.” He considered playing the sympathy card, the “Miyun will miss you,” tactic, but that seemed weak and a rather obvious facade. Even a moron could see through that, and Zhou Mi clearly was not.
He was in his robe when Zhou Mi emerged from the bathroom, utterly put together and wrinkle free.
“So, probably see you later,” Zhou Mi said, lifting a hand in a half wave as though Kyuhyun was just going to stand there and watch him leave.
“I guess you know where I’ll be,” Kyuhyun told him, hoping for a smile of some sort and not getting one. He followed Zhou Mi into the entrance hall, watching him don his sunglasses and shoes, shrugging into his jacket.
“Hey, stranger,” he said, before Zhou Mi could turn, using a lapel to drag Zhou Mi’s face to his. For just one kiss.
Which was all he was allowed. Their lips had barely brushed when Zhou Mi’s face tilted down, breaking it.
“See you,” Zhou Mi whispered.
Kyuhyun stood there, watching Zhou Mi jog down to his waiting car. From behind him, he could hear Miyun’s lilting singing, probably tending to her dollies. What he really wanted was to go after Zhou Mi and shake him, and make him tell him what was wrong. What he did was dress, and spend the morning amusing his smiling daughter.
***